Conscious Madness (Extract From Saul)

What ails me? what impels me on, until The big drops fall from off my brow? Whence comes This strange affliction?--Oh, thus to the driven About!--I will stand still: no move me aught That can. Ah, shake me, thing; shake me again Like an old thorn i' th' blast! 'Tis leaving me; Oh, that it were for ever! Oh, how long Shall this fierce malady continue, these Dread visitations? See, 'tis here again! What's here again? Or who? Here's none save I;-- And yet there's some one here. 'Tis here, 'tis here Within my brain:--no, it is in my heart,-- Within my soul; where rise again black thoughts And horrible conceptions, that from hell Might have come up. All blasphemies that my ears Ever heard; my horridest ideas in dreams; And impious conceits, that even a fiend Methinks could scarcely muster, swarm within Me, rank and black as summer flies on ordure. Oh, what a den this moment is my breast! How cold I feel, how cruel and invidious. Now let no child of mine approach me; neither Do thou come near to me, Ahinoam, Their mother and the wife I dearly love; For now the universe appears one field On which to spend my rancour. Oh, disperse, Fit, nor return with thy o'erwhelming shadows! Oh that it would begone and leave me in My sorrow! Surely 'tis enough to live In lone despair. To reign is care enough, Even in rude health; but to be harassed thus By an unnamed affliction;--and why harassed? Oh, why am I thus harassed? I have heard Of wretches raging under sharp remorse; Of cruel monarchs, in their latter days, Falling a prey to an accusing conscience; But why should I, whose faults smite but myself, Be thus tormented?