The Apologist

Dear friends, I'm Deakin.... No; no mistake, You're wide awake. It's ALF that's speakin'... I wish to make A few remarks about - Eh? What, O, no; I'm not The least bit changed. It's been arranged - You understand? Between these gentlemen and me. We fused, you see, For the - er - welfare of the land.... Come, gentlemen! I do insist I am the same! I'm DEAKIN, the Protectionist. And I declare I'm not to blame. There never has been any change in me. It's all arranged.... We fused, you see. No harm to fuse. And I am certain you'll excuse Us all, when once you fairly grasp the fact That this arrangement is a patriot's act. 'Twas neither somersault nor slip; 'Twas statesmanship.... Yes, yes. Joe Cook And others took A pledge. As I allege, Henceforth to vote Protection to a man.... Well, yes; they ran Freetrade - some years ago; But they won't advocate it now. Oh, no!... I say again I've not changed in the least. I leave that all to them. Their love for the - er - tariff has increased. Ahem!.... What? Wobblers? Nay! Ah, do not blame them, pray! These gentlemen are neither false nor weak; But my good friends. And they will make amends. A light has broken on them, so to speak. They're all - er - fiscal converts as it were.... Now, my dear sir! If you will interject Time and again, How can the audience expect Me to explain?... I tell you I've NOT changed! It's ALL ARRANGED! Why, ever since I've been in politics I've always advocated the - um - er ... What nonsense! Sir!! Tricks! ME!!! I challenge you to prove my policy Has ever been... Well, yes, Yes, I confess I used to call them names. But, don't you see, That is a thing of ancient history.... I tell you it has now all been arranged! And I've not changed!... O, well, well, I admit I did abuse them - just a little bit. 'The wreckage of all parties' - That was it. 'Black Labor party' - yes, and 'Tories,' too. I said that; true. But can't you see? I ask you, please, to try. They've changed, not I. They've had a wash; They've all been made Whiter than snow ( I'm sure you understand): And henceforth Anti-Sosh, And not Freetrade, Will be their party brand. But, to return to my....Eh? Who's that speakin'? I tell you I am Deakin! Who dares to say I'm not? I am the same brave, whole-souled patriot! Iam! I AM! if you will interject... O, d--!.... Er - gentlemen...I'd have you understand We are a band Of staunch Protectionists. If it appears A trifle strange That, after all these years, These gentlemen should change, I ask you, gentlemen, to please excuse The Fuse. You comprehend? I wave my magic wand, And they respond By bowing meekly to my fiscal creed. Nay, nay! No Greed For Office caused this unaccustomed sight. 'Twas...Country-love and - er - a Sudden Light. These friends of mine have all come into line, And, after this, their fiscal faith is mine - That is...I mean to say That mine is theirs until the Judgement Day. I trust, good people, I have made it plain.... No, no; my friends will never change again.... I tell you, with my hand upon my heart, They would no more trick me than, for my part, I'd ever do So false an act, or think of tricking...you.