A Self-Estimate

My life has been built around self-doubt of who I am with insecurity and vulnerability. To many that might seem strange and to others it might seem I have it all. A lasting marriage, fulfilling my dreams one at a time, friends around the world. You ask what else could anyone really want. When I was young whatever I did my sister or someone else could always do it better even when I succeeded, at least that is what I was always told. Those words brought forth all sorts of insecurities that plagued my life from those days to this. They would tell me my writing was rubbish and I should never show them to anyone or they would hold me up to ridicule. Now my writing is read and enjoyed by thousands across the world. So why is it that these insecurities keep swirling around my head? The questions keep coming, but the answers elude me. Even when I look at my accomplishments those insecurities still follow me around. Will my bubble burst and will their words back then be right? I hope and pray not and I will just carry on no matter what the outcome is. My future is sealed no matter which way I turn. A writer I will always be, whether good, bad or indifferent, or for richer or poorer be. I gave up once for a number of years, but fate had it in store that I would write again once more. It even lead me down different paths than I had been down before. What next I ask myself, just keep on writing I guess and the insecurities. Well, they will still follow me as well as the self-doubts I was brainwashed with. You cannot turn back the clock say it never happened. It is just something in my life I am going to have to live with. 25 May 2008