A Muff

I wanted a muff On an up-to-date scale, Of some soft fluffy stuff, With a head and a tail; So simple and innocent-hearted I started to go to a sale. My muscles are tough, I'm not sickly or pale; But that shop was enough To make ‘Hercules’ quail. The ladies were snatching and gripping, Each using her arm like a flail. My passage was rough And as slow as a snail. In attempting to luff I was pinned to a bale, And asked 'to mind where I was pushing” By a frowsy and frenzied female. They ruined my ruff And twitched off my veil; The shopman was bluff When I told him my tale, And I vowed the next time I played football I would wear a costume of chain mail. I went home in a huff, Looking feeble and frail, Still minus a muff With a head and a tail But my brother politely informed me I was one, to go to a sale.