The Worshipper

After all, at this late hour, Beloved! Like a whirlwind blind with dust Day and Night When I Dance about in a blood-red Death-game At long last, at this eleventh hour It is revealed to me that! know thee through all Eternity. Worshipper! Thy voice, thy tune shaming the dove, Thy eye, thy face, Thy eye-brow, forehead, cheek, Thy beauty that knows no equal, Thy wanton ear-ring swinging to and fro in dance surpassing a swan I know, I know all! Hence, after all, I Standing on the one, weary, hopeless and dreary beach of life From the depths of my fainting heart Cry for thee and thee alone, Beloved! Calling by the sweetest name which is constantly on my lips as a sacred name on the rosary. I weep with it - In my broken voice do I cry, I know thee, I do, do, do know, Thou art not one with laurels of victory - nor art thou a beggar-maid, Thou art virgin nymph, daughter of an eremite, thou art my eternal worshipper! Through ages, thou hast loved this hard-hearted one, Burning thy own self, thou hast kindled light in my breast, Many a time thou hast made me a debtor to thy worship. I know thee, Beloved, I do, do, do know through Eternity. I oft recognize thee in the sun-set of life, at the hour of death, Then after recognition Thou dost go elsewhere. Leaving me on the lone, deserted Farewell-raft. Sitting at the end of the day, bathed in tears, I recall her far-off, distant memory I remember the sad, silent welcome night of mine that came at the close of spring When my eyes feasted upon thine and were blessed, Till then a simple, happy boy - my youth did not put forth blossoms, Like approaching, aching, eager Dawn Half-asleep, half-awake was my boyhood, My rosy nights went blooming Free of all barriers, , Like a whirlwind spontaneously moving Or the speed of fiery lyrics, or laughter that knows no end A wandering traveller from far afar, I took thee And along with thee Came tearful eyes and pangs of homeless forlorn heart- Thou didst come at night, at peep of Dawn, I sang 'Awake, Beloved, Awake! ' Thou didst rise from sleep, thou didst come to me, And looking at my face didst smile a melancholy smile - At thy smile I wept - whose tame bird distressed art thou, now deprived of thy forest home? O the message of thine eyes! methought That voice, that tune of mine Laden with sadness of separation, And reverberating in the forest, Which invites the south wind, causes the flower to blossom and charms the wild doe, Thou hast known all of myself since the dawn of creation! Then, that midnight I did sing plaintive notes choked with tears of that unhonoured send-off and wounded feelings. I did not know whom by the incantation of a song I wanted then to imprison in my ever-desolate forlorn heart Only this I do know that the shade of thy love-enkindled eyes untimely roused from sleep Fell upon my eyes. I saw, too, in the expression of those eyes, A flood of light mixed with surprise and delight, A flow of fascination born of profound pain, With silent sympathy was trembling the love-lorn heart In the likeness of the dark night To my thirsty eyes was expectantly welcome, Worshipper! that sweet, tender light kindled in the lamp of thy eyes! Then, at the close of singing . With a smile I think I called thee near, by the name Suddenly didst thon storm with a pent up feeling of self-respect offended (Who knoweth why) . Like a canoe trembled thy serene eyes Secured with eye brows, The swelling water through the mouth of the fount of agony Fell in torrents! Such flood of tears gushing out of thy depths on a little caress Where didst thou get, O Neglected! my wandering Beloved? Tell me, O tell! On this broken bosom, Pillow thy bright face bathed in tears With a thrill of bashful joy And tell me, a tell! Why seeing me art thou overwhelmed with an undefined feeling? Why at my call such abundance of tears overflows thy eyes? An unknown vagrant wayfarer am I, Seeing me why tears start to thy virgin eyes serene? Others laugh at me; A happy, secure nest is burnt at . the very touch of my accursed hot breath, Taking it to be a jewel some people wear it as a garland, But when it turns to be a venomous serpent And bites them in the breast, Forthwith they trample it under foot! With one who is disliked, hated and disregarded by the world, Forlorn Beloved! Why dost thou play this sad game For one why this secret sensibility? On what right The mere calling by name doth cause pain to thee? Art thou loved by nobody? Art thou tenderly taken by nobody? Art thou tenderly taken by none? From birth art thou neglected as a Beggar maid? And for that Such abundant flow of tears and Such offended spirit exciting compassion? No, not even that In a forlorn voice while resting on the breast Who doth in forlorn sensitiveness Say 'No, not even that'! I saw hundreds come to this house, Many of their own accord take thee on their breast, Still yet in thy eyes and face is writ large a deep discontent and a profound Pining for love! Why at my sight doth so much nectar of love overflow thy breast? O Mystry! My Queen! Nobody doth know Thou knowest not Nor do I know. Love alone knoweth, heart alone doth feel From whence cometh such poignancy of Spontaneous attraction of heart to heart. Even without understanding it, I understood That day, O unknown! that thou art eternally know to me, thou my neglected Sita in every successive birth! Thou hermit's daughter deserting thy forest home, Eternal virginity; thy tray of offerings to Gods I broke in every age, thy garland I tore In mere sport; ever-silent, ever languishing under a curse, O heavenly damsel! In silence didst thou suffer O thou Simple! Simply hast thou Known thou art my-Queen of Victory, myself thy Poet. Then, towards the end of night Sitting by thy side I heard thy melodious song, Half-interrupted by bashfulness, tremblingly pathetic Oft the voice reminded me Of some dim, half-remembered, half-forgotten, long-lost thing, Singing in choked voice 'O thou'! When krishna went to Mathura and forgot his beloved Radhika, Methink, she wept out her forlorn heart singing such sweetest saddest song. With a breast afflicted by neglect, it was much like Lalita's lamentation in secret hour! Perhaps in lonely forest, alone, wandering, Damayanti sang in such tired voice Calling her husband woo was left behind! Perhaps sad sakuntala remembering her husband Wept with the forest creepers singing in such tune, in secret leafy nook! Perhaps on the peak of the Hem-giri mountain The long-lost Sati in the person of Uma Addressed Bholanath in such ever known voice! Wept she, ever-faithful, beloved of her husband, to get again her eternal lover! I see and understand everything, My youth did not awake, so thy fair face made no deep impress on my inward eye; Yet in thy familiar voice my own I left and went afar in some unremembered moment along a nameless village path Scarcely a day or two passed when on the bank of the same holy Gomati My heart ached for the first time and a Strange, fragrant pain I felt in the lotus of my navel region. I wandered to-and fro in search of the source of this pain-laden smell of wine At the mere touch of my hot, heavy sighs, trembled the sky, air and earth, Bewailed leaves and creepers, Flowers and birds and rivers,. Bewailed clouds and winds and all, And bewailed in the breast in fierce pleasure the insatiate divinity awakened by youth's tyranny: . Wretched as I was, I knew not whom I wanted, So I cried hoarse, 'Where should . I go, where may I find my Beloved? ' My heart feels a burning passion, my mind runs riot, Methink, it is the sad lamentation of a lover under the load of eternal youth! Visions float in quick success on before the eyes of many a color, red, blue, pink From whose breast To my heart of hearts Doth come and why this painful ecstasy redolent of musk? My mind like the musk deer runs a-field. the air trembles with fear engendered by my frantic wailings! . Like the musk of deer My mind blind with scent roams in Search of the odour of my own navel! Mine own love By drinking itself wants to appease its own thirst! My youth under an eternal thirst for the whole world of love After emptying an ocean like a drop longs for another! Good Heaven! What thirst eternal, illimitable is this! Where is contentment? O where? Where is the Eternal Ocean of Love that can appease my thirst? More self-willed, tyrannical, and irresistible than I Where might I find her In absence of whom I know no peace in this wide world! Thinking like this I go abroad, I only walk my way, And meet many a girl on the path, After them, alas! runs with blind impetuosity My mind hungering for Love, If one of them looks back, my offended sentiment brings a flood of tears to my eyes! They laugh at my predicament, . Some one ignores me, some one approaches with an offer of favour! It doth aggravate my grief, With the deep naked agony of a wretched one, Like the loud roar of the ocean of universal cataclysm Under pain and wounded self-respect . doth swell in fierce volume The flame of my heart agitated with distress! A street girl doth offer favour! Under my foot I smash her vanity . with her presumptuous offer! In tears she goes back, afraid of coming near; Like Anath Pindada, disciple of Buddha, My mendicant heart Hegs from door to door no common alms For my love-Buddha, Give me alms, O citizens! I beg for Buddha, see my master goes back hungry from the door! Many came, many went away, . Some in fright, some in surprise, Some with a broken heart, Some bathed in tears Thus many a nymph came and went, I beseech complete surrender, But it is not understood by the happy damsels of the city They carne with a smile, Then at the end of the smile In tears they go back To the shady nook of their living home They say, 'O way-farer! Tell us, O tell What Treasure doth thy heart hanker after? . Why is this pathos in thy voice, for whom is there so much hunger in 'thy breast? ' No body understands what I want Some 'rings mind and heart, some brings Youth and wealth, While a third offers beauty and body. A proud princess maddened by her riches Wants to imprison me in the trap of her beauty and youth... All in vain! Loaded with despondency , my heart goes abroad As a vagrant warbler Singing 'where is my love-loran Beloved my worshipper, Oh, where? ' She who will say, 'I have turned an anchorite for the sake of love, O thou my Lord! ' Forlorn am I and not thy pride and glory In vain I roam in the wilderness My thirst rages fiercely In such moments my thirst-stricken heart Loses itself for a moment At a distant, unknown beckoning with the hand As if she were weeping aloud-, Saying 'My Love, I am thy heart's wandering maid, I know thee Thou, too, knowest me! I knew not, it was a she-devil, It was but an illusion, No water, but a snare, it was a deceptive image of a lake in the desert! ' 'I am at thy mercy', so saying I called at her door, Alas, where was she? Verily it was a witch Alluring me to my doom! It was a cruel Fowler's net, It was a device to win the grace . of a Beggar's bowel, No, the trap did defeat itself, . Entangled in her own snare was finished the witch To thy door came I with my heart bleeding from thorns, Knew not, even then, thou didst feel a keen sympathy for my afflictions. Yet from time to time it struck me that thy sweet, balmy touch could efface All my bums and pangs, That to my heart spoke thy heart ever in tears O way-farer! Give me those thorns; Where do they prick thee, Tell mc, pray! Thou art a silent eremite, keeping in thy lone privacy, Hence thy speechless message I seldom minded, and little understood that and thy little reserved bosom There was so much room for love and hope. Meanwhile I knew not from where came my mother floating as it were like a free stream, In that stormy night. She took me in her lap, printed a thousand kisses on my eyes bathed in tears. The thoroughfare vanished The chariot disappeared Drowned was all sorrow and pain, A mother's love illumined my dilapidate temple like the festival of Dewali! My past history like the previous birth I seemed to forget on getting back my lost Mother! A homeless one was restored to his home, in tranquil happiness and felicity. After many an age as it were, I slept a deep sleep pillowed on my Mother's breast. There was an end of vagrant minstrelsy, Disappeared in a piteous lone my companion the tempestuous wind. 0 0 0 Again, again was I benighted Perhaps at the door of some all-conquering nymph, Arjun's chariot came to a stand-still. I forgot the object of my peregrination, I forgot. my heart had been eternally wandering and longing for my Beloved, Beloved and Beloved alone. I forgot every bit of pain and grief, The flood of new felicity melted my heart, And over-flowed my tearless eyes. It seemed as it were in some lotus of beauty were imprisoned my eyes, Its fragrance enraptured my bosom, And a thrill danced through some sweetest, saddest sensation. Life regained and forfeited again The greedy bird pierced by an arrow Besmeared with blood the altar of my temple It could not wake up the stone-image, Being thus disgraced, I leapt up like a forest conflagration. My poignant, blood-red griefs raised their heads, With a thundering voice I rushed forth on the blood-horse of Rebellion, Against the Original Cause of my Sorrow the Creator - across the clouds of the sky Holding aloft the meteor flag of Destruction, Kindling the sacrificial fire of animosity and creating terror in a barren dreary desert! What illusion is this! At intervals Methought I heard a distant melody of thy flute singing my name, Dear! Peering into that far-off privacy My eyes red with enmity became Softened with tears of silent Sympathy. Remembering that melody, remembering that call discarded all my grief I threw my grief into oblivion, I do realize, thou art real-thou dost exist, Neglected by me, thou dost still desire me, heart and soul, Alone, wood-nymph, Thou art wreathing a garland for me All by thyself, In bashful privacy. Thou art my wandering maid, my Queen, Whom I wood in all my previous births! The ocean of fire in me becomes a flower in bloom and says with a smile 'I know, I know'. Let life return to my dead soul. From a-far am I summoned by her, Without whom I know no peace and joy in the wide world. But hearken! Who wails and laments like that? Some body must have cried from behind 'Friend, thou art behind time' Poor fellow, it is too late! I didn't listen, I didn't mind obstruction, To me alone came floating as it were across the barriers of the previous Birth the sad wailings of a forsaken Lalita. I came running to thee Breathlessly, Martyrdom, the chariot of fire, all went a-begging, the blood-red flag cried' in the wilderness, I indulged in a world of luxury and felicity in secretly worshipping thee in my bosom. To narrate the sequel I lack language today, Today I have no heart, no tears, no strength, no hope. What I say today is no song, it is but a blood-red message of a bleeding heart embalmed in tears. Yet keep this little bit in mind, Dear, that from door to door Baffled I returned And came to thee for thyself as the Summumbonum. of my life, In return for the whole world of my hope and love and affection. I worshipped thee, O my unkind Beloved. thou worshipper! Methought thou wouldst smilingly take charge of one who was too wild for the world. Thou wouldst tame the rebel of the universe Quite easily by dint of love alone. Methought for the glory of conquering the unruly and unconquerable the heart would be illumined with an uncommon lustre, and then one day Thou wouldst infuse celestial fire into my arms And become the embodied victory of this Rebel. I harboured a hope, I had power, too, to tear asunder the universe And place the same under thy rosy feet as a culled red lotus for an offering But alas! Where art that 'thou'? Where is that heart? Where's that inalienable bond of attachment between two hearts? This 'thou' of today art not that 'thou' to be sure; Today I find thou too art deceitful, Thou too clammiest to be victorious by means of falsehood! Thou dost want to give me something, retaining the remainder for another, Unfortunate woman! I laugh out my soul! Whom dost thou want to deceive? In my bosom is ever awake the true Divinity, His eyes are penetrating, they can see into the heart of things, And most minutely search its inmost recesses. Infidelity fouls thy offering today, Dear, Today thou dost try to deceive him Whom one day didst thou give all thy heart and soul. Thus I ponder, whose fault it was That in thy spotless heart Was kindled this death-provoking light Yet I wonder is it true? Thou too, a deceiving self? If it were so, then O witch! Let it be true, O wicked one! Let full light show thy false world in bold relief. Myself, thyself, the sun, moon, stars, Let all be false, Then, then, O alluring Phantom, Give to thy contrived world a false gleam As I look at thy face today, Shame strikes me like a thunderbolt As I remember how didst thou disregard and neglect me, I do remember my shameless ness, too Today I die before my death, I feel, I must cry aloud, 'Open thy womb, Mother Earth! And take into darkness thy neglected. and dust-covered son from the light of the day that throws his shame into prominence Yet many a time I came with hope But alas! whenever I look at that face Ah me! where's that worshipping damsel, Where's that forlorn anchorite? The same accustomed disregard I see, And the same face devoid of expression. There's no love lost, but a game . to ride rough-shod over a heart My bosom bursts under the load of disgrace! Alas! What cruel game is this, between hearts! These girls tread a bleeding rosy breast Under their feet which seem dyed with lace. They claim to be goddesses, they are greedy and want to usurp the worship of all! For them is not the single-minded devotion of a lover, nor the complete surrender of a worshipper Hence, in the name of true devotion, their timid heart is so awfully frightened, Frailty, thy name is Woman! She does Not like to nestle round one bosom. She is a goddess, she is greedy, the more she is worshipped, the more she wants worshippers. Her voracious mind Is not gratified with one, one is not sufficient for her, She seeks many My creator-Lord received from me not such worship as was offered to her, yet she deceived me! I do realize, in the end, that there comes encircling darkness as deep as death as my companion, So my forlorn heart out of the agony of bitter pleasure thunders out: Why then, O my mind, for whom shouldst thou go lamenting abroad? Blaze forth now, burning like the terrible eyes of the god of Destruction, Clap thy hands striking terror! Fan the bloody flames of the eternal fire of thy Rebellion! Let the fiery Chariot beat thy all-destroying trumpet! Hurl thy battle-axe and trident! Storm this citadel of Falsehood! Bring poison made of blood and . nectar, seize death by the throat! Let this false world under thy accursed heavy agonizing wheel be crushed to powder. In my throat there's today so much venom; so much wrath Yet, Nymph! At intervals I recall I did not love thee Till I saw thy light red with passion and embosomed in thy breast, Thou hadst all the time Sought my love and played the Begga-maid at my door, Till then a small neglect resulting in thy outraged feelings of rebellion would have caused a flood of tears to arise in thine eyes, and agonized thy soft and sweet heart. For a small bit of affection, for a tiny caress Thou didst many a night and many a day keep by my side on sleepless pillow I did not vouchsafe to look at thee. Is this, then, by way of revenge? . After conquering me by means of falsehood. Thou hast heaped disgrace and deceit upon my head and stopped my breath. Today I wail from the lap of death O Heartless! What false cruel game is this with regard to a heart? After a world of love, how canst thou hurl so much disregard, O women? Such a blow is man's job, I knew, we, men, alone could inflict such injuries Methought, the gift of a spotless fair Nymph Finds itself in a single delicious Moment irrevocably in the bosom of her lover, And thus she loses her separate entity. for all Eternity, It is a vain belief! Zephyr only makes the flower blossom, The honey-making bee comes and deflowers it The former is a type of chivalry; Love and not the body of the beloved . is all-in-all to him! The latter goes by Aromatic and knows how to ravish the blooming tender heart of the flower Myself, the sound Wind a traveler the end of at spring I depart For that deathless undiscovered country' .. of Eternal Night! On this even of departure my eyes are filled with tears of joy. As I feel how happy am I today. Thou hadst loved me before I loved thee The soft crimson light of thy maiden heart From kissed my breast and Jace. From recollections today of that ardent happiness a deluge of sensations sweet inundates the broken heart of this hungry one! Remembering that love and felicity of those golden days I feel my life is full - I sink in the grave contented and blessed Unsolicited, thou alone didst love me. In happy remembrance of that piece of joy, I with my death-black lips print now a thousand full kisses upon thy dear name! Remembering me, If one night, Dear, While in sleep pillowed upon one's breast Thou dost feel a pain in thy bosom without cause, Take it that dear and gone the impediment! None else shall come back In wild ecstasy to kiss thy lotus-feet Dead is he- the self-willed, discontented ever-selfish, greedy But he is immortal - thy love hath bestowed immortality upon the poet Who like the deathless Nilkantha hath Swallowed the ocean of pain. [Translation: Abdul Hakim] .