0148 Dear Jenny Joseph...

Dear Jenny Joseph, How are you getting along these days? Now that you've hit our 'top poems' list? I'll bet that, as a National Treasure you're asked to give readings at a minimal fee with the request 'please wear a red hat and a purple cloak - our members would like it...' aw shurrup... I'm contemplating a parallel to raise the status of old men God knows we need it... Where shall I start? I guess the secret is it's fun confounding expectations, so, first on the list, anything that labels you British - out! (then we can start again from scratch) : out with the stiff upper lip - weep in public - preferably a full rush-hour commuter train from Surrey or Gloucestershire or Berkshire would do; and watch the men freeze into emotional ineptitude; Get on a jam-packed tube train around the evening rush hour, when they think they're tired, those poor 20-year-olds who clubbed all night on E and say very loud 'Which of you young people is going to give up your seat to me? (And if there's no move and everyone hides behind their papers or suddenly closed eyes, repeat the question louder and louder until even the kind-hearted of your own age hate you...) : When the train stops in a tunnel and everyone goes quiet, whistle out of tune one that everyone knows; And don't forget that garlic and an open mouth can gain you valuable personal space. Open doors for all ladies, and expecially those wearing pierced noses and lips and eyebrows, tattoos, SM gear and/or short haircuts and when they walk past without a glance say 'Thank you...? ' very loudly; Walk round the snootiest 'boutiques' and the more the assistants bridle, stand near you or raise their eyebrows at their fellow assistants the longer you hang around, natch, and when you say 'Just looking...' look them in the eye like Clint Eastwood who just hit town; At formal weddings, when it gets to the butt-clenching 'just cause...? ' bit clear your throat loudly as if about to speak... it will give the dry cleaners extra work. Talk to all children with their parents especially those whose parents quickly pull them away; feel free to embrace all and especially sundry; just check you have the address of your Citizen's Advice Bureau for free legal representation; Talk to Friends of Friends whom you're meeting for the first time as if you know them well; it's amazing how many 'friends' you can cross off that way; Cold callers who introduce themselves with their Christian name (even though Hindus calling from India..) and are pushy (be kind to the others...) - pretend you know them and discuss some past scandalous relationship with them, then accuse them of misleading you; Be natural - but very very publicly so; in Victorian times, you could pee in the road on please, only on the offside of horses; so don't choose motorways (though the central reservation is OK - I mean, who's going to stop to be offended in the fast lane, or ring the police on the mobile while driving?) and if anyone objects to your peeing in the gutter that's what gutters used to be for and who asked them to look anyway? Clothes-wise, it's up to you - though of course if 'dress-code..' is requested, well, that's obviously inviting trouble - do they want to see you in person, or what you bought or hired? Or are they wanting free film extras in the home movies of ego? Oxfam permitting, wear the clothes that 15-year-olds do - that really pisses them off. If people dropp a word about your undone zip in public and they're polite about it thank them with a smile perhaps explaining the circumstances in friendly fashion; but if they comment disapprovingly threaten further measures. Sitting on the pavement, that sort of thing - well, that's personal; if you enjoy it, do it... Above all - Embarrass Your Children. Mortally. ' D-a-a-d....! ' (This Poem is an Expanding Poem - there's more cringe-making stuff to come just here... as Rusty says, that's what parents are for...) Doesn't sound very exciting, you may be thinking? OK, just try one of these, and see if you can't cut the atmosphere with a knife. -That's not yet court evidence, but it could be, in a nanny state - 'The witness observed that you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, m'lud...' But I'm very open to suggestions from others, to make this second childhood even better than the first, OK? And Jenny, by the way, are you married? It could be fun...