A Public Apology

Public apologies are the new confessional. So here goes. I apologize for not knowing where to start with my apologies. I apologize for being tainted with the sins of Adam. I apologize for blaming Eve for the sins of Adam. I apologize to the Serpent, who was just following orders. I apologize for the seductiveness of ripe apples on the Tree of Knowledge. I just didn’t know at the time. I apologize for not taking Genesis 1 literally. I apologize for not appreciating the allegorical significance of Genesis 1. I apologize for blaming the Jews for crucifying Christ. I apologize for not being quicker to blame the relevant parties for the crucifixion of Christ. I apologize for not giving independence to America sooner. I apologize to the Native Americans for invading their great God’s-own country. I apologize to the Native Americans for not stopping them sooner from killing each other’s tribes. I apologize for entering into business agreements with the chiefs of certain coastal African tribes to bring their captives from their tribal wars to resolve America’s manpower shortage. I apologize for dwelling on the sufferings of my family in the Holocaust, without considering the mental and emotional agony of those obliged to follow orders to massacre them. I apologize for messing with Iraq. I apologize for not doing a better job of messing with Iraq. I apologize for not being Politically Correct. I apologize for being Politically Correct. I apologize for throwing all these things in your face and encouraging you to feel complicit in my guilt. I apologize for not apologizing sooner. I apologize for all the things I haven’t the imagination and humanity to apologize for. Oh to hell with it.