You Saw It Here First...

Today the front page top spot in my upmarket morning paper elbows aside war, crime, politics, famine, election bribes with a manicured hand on an elegant arm, to bring you the ultimate guide to your seduction scene or marriage-freshener - the famous ball-player's plump chicken of a girlfriend presented by Vogue, no less. Here is your Complete Jane Austen Condensed Edition, the Jilly Cooper Omnibus, the Credo from the Vatican of fashion. This is the stuff that dreams are made on. You'll need a chaise-longue to drape yourself on; and here it's day-dress - of a sort; expensively revealing enough to press all the buttons, but informal enough to be ripped off; thus the zipped skirt, open just above the panty-line, clearly awaits His pull. The material of the blouse (I'm told it's silk-crepe) clings as if it were but barely there; it's gathered slightly between the breasts, just where (follow the dotted line) He is invited to rip it. Or there's a loose tie below as well; some men work upwards; some work down. It's good to be prepared for that dark stranger with as yet unknown preferences. A spotted neckerchief enhances the area between neck and breast, suggesting perhaps a modest withdrawal from full-on take-me-now; (though don't knot it; it could ruin the moment) : and an arm draped languorously over the head makes your armpits charmpits, as the ads used to say, though cramp would not be helpful, so the timing's crucial. Ah yes the timing. The chaise-longue, it would appear, is conveniently situated in the front hall, with its old and plastered wall, just showing its age, to offset fleshly beauty; a reminder of say, Blenheim, where in Her Grace's diary those immortal words, 'His Grace favoured me in his boots...' Imagine if you will - the clip of hasty hooves on gravel; He, hot and hormoned fresh from battle, or chasing fox, or polo-field, the smell of horse that stirs Her Grace's loins... the timing's all; now in a shutter's click... And if you haven't thrown the morning paper aside in the passion of the moment, there's a chiller on Page Three.