Of Cliques And Monopoly

Doesn't everyone have to forgive themselves For the half-formed, maladaptive masks They once wore in youth? In school, I lived for years Underneath a knitted navy blue cape All through junior high, worn daily To disguise newly sprouted breasts And complementary curves in other places They must have wondered then If I had any arms at all, under there? It was a teenage security blanket extraordinaire Thank god, the cape finally gave way Before high school, under it's relentless use. By high school, I wanted to defy being labeled Terrified of belonging to one particular sub-group I lived in a shades-of-blue uniform all year; Steel blue shirts, navy pants No bright yelling colors, no makeup.. No school uniform could have been stricter- I defied both convention and classification Only my hair was unkempt, always in my eyes Part of the covert rebellion perhaps: I was in the army of one. Since I refused steadfastly to identify with anything I unwittingly joined ranks with the only group that fit me: The outcasts. At lunch in the cafeteria; we, the dregs Of high school society, sat at the edges of the room; On the very last table; rungs on a ladder going nowhere, And we fit together like a hinge Swinging from side to side, as the doors opened, And more often closed, on our expectations and ambitions: Only one of us went to the prom And not the one you would have guessed One did drugs sometimes, but none of the others ever admitted to it. I was the closet drinker no one knew about; Always able to keep a secret, no matter what My grades were really too high for the outcast group, But therein lay it's beauty: no where else to go. I never understood that my decision To pledge myself to nobody and nothing Exiled me by default, into the group that nobody wanted to be in I have always underestimated the effect of decisions Everything has always been all or nothing; black or white Which means in monopoly terms, I always had overwhelming Victories and defeats And in my now-habitual role of non-conformist, I have never been To even a single high school reunion: Somehow, I think they are not surprised.