Losing Mom

I've been there, taking care of my Mom out of love, doing everything possible for her, loving her throughout it all. Losing sleep, worrying I wouldn't be with her when she needed me most, worrying that her final moment would be lived alone, that I'd fall asleep and she'd be gone. Praying constantly, selfishly, because I couldn't bear to lose her, yet praying unselfishly because I couldn't bear to see her suffer. There were so many conflicting emotions and thoughts running rampantly throughout my mind and being, thinking, not wanting her to suffer, yet not wanting to lose her, vacillating continuously. A final battle, tears falling, stirred by memories of the past, loving, caring, sharing, a mother is always a friend. Preparing myself mentally, thinking I had emotions under control, 'I am prepared for her death', at least I had told myself it was so, and then it happened, unexpectedly, quickly, her life was over, she was gone. Sorrow was too heavy, heart and soul were suddenly filled with a gaping hole that could not be filled, the emptiness was too great, too vast, nothing could quench it. Intense pain wrung my heart over and over, tears surged repeatedly from depths never known before, the sheer horror of losing my Mom, losing her love, sent me spinning head- first into the deepest sorrow I have ever known. The pain was real, it was hard! every way I turned there was total darkness, the spirit of her life was no longer present to me, the essence of her being that I'd known my entire life was gone in a flash, a moment of deathly silence. Mom was ripped from my gentle grasp, never to be seen again on the shores of earth, there is nothing like the loneliness, deep and hurting, etching it's memory forever within. People all around, none of them could help, a Mother's death is an experience that can only be lived through, it is a journey every individual must make alone. Words cannot comfort or touch and ease the sorrow, not even from one family member to another, we all hold our Mother's close to our hearts, we share the same sorrow of death, but we still cannot help each other. None of us can see above our grief, our eyes are downcast, our minds are running through the past, after only a moment of death, an eerie haunting feeling that she is not really dead, yet the moment after death has completed it's task, our minds take over, trying to fool us into thinking Mom has not yet died. A surge of power from within our hearts pushes out and we believe that prayer will save her yet, praying, eyes closed, concentrating, praying like I'd never prayed before, when that slip of stark reality hit with a force I could not cast aside. Reality hits hard and fierce, not caring how it hurts and causes pain, it is unaware of our pretenses and denial, it sits instead, awaiting our pain and grief, sorrow and dis- belief for the power death has over each of us. My heart heavily overflowed, fell out of my body, was crushed beyond comprehension, wrung by sorrow's hands, no longer able to hold on to hope, let go of reluctantly, I felt a part of myself being wrenched from within, forever gone, taken with my Mom to heaven. The silence of her death continues to begin forever.