Forgive Me

FORGIVE ME Forgive me for blaming You For all the sufferings of the innocent Forgive me for blaming You For not keeping Your promises Forgive me for wondering how You Who are supposedly Good Created this mess of a world Forgive me for thinking You really do not care about us About me about anyone Forgive me for wondering why You told us one story about it all And let us discover another story is true Forgive me for not trusting You Forgive me for all my doubts and failings and faults and sins Forgive me for not standing always and only for You Forgive me for loving Your people more than I love you And for loving my family more than I love You And for caring and worrying about certain individual human beings More than I care for You Forgive me for not loving You with that absolute lover's love That misses You and longs for You always Forgive me for trying to use You for my own small ends and hopes For the lives of those people I love Forgive me for not knowing You mystically And not knowing my own nothingness Before Your Being Everything and Nothing at once Forgive me for not understanding Your being in everything And for not believing that there is any contradiction- free way of explaining and understanding and defending You Forgive me for not feeling that somehow all that will be in the future Will make up for all that has been in the past Forgive me for blaming You for breaking promises You never made And for distorting Who You Are into what I want you to be Forgive me for asking forgiveness When I know I am not worthy of forgiveness And for asking for and relying on Your Mercy When You are You and will be You When I am forever not Forgive me for hoping and praying That You will somehow save all I love Though You have not promised to Forgive me for hoping and praying to You still When so much of what I think and feel Is not alright with Your world Forgive me for needing You still and always And praying that this writing will not be weighed against me Forgive me for needing You now and always Even as I doubt and question You now.