Ode To The Sublime Porte

Great Sultan, how wise are thy state compositions! And oh, above all, I admire that Decree, In which thou command'st, that all she politicians Shall forthwith be strangled and cast in the sea. 'Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster -- A maid, who her faith in old Jeremy puts; Who talks, with a lisp, of the "last new Westminster," And hopes you're delighted with "Mill upon Gluts"; Who tells you how clever one Mr. Fun-blank is, How charming his Articles 'gainst the Nobility; -- And assures you that even a gentleman's rank is, In Jeremy's school, of no sort of utility. To see her, ye Gods, a new number perusing -- Art. 1 - "On the Needle's variations", by Pl--e; Art. 2 - By her fav'rite Fun-blank - so amusing! "Dear man! he makes poetry quite a Law case." Art. 3 -"Upon Fallacies", Jeremy's own -- (Chief Fallacy being, his hope to find readers); - Art. 4 - "Upon Honesty", author unkown; -- Art. 5 - (by the young Mr. M--) "Hints to Breeders". Oh, Sultan, oh, Sultan, though oft for the bag And the bowstring, like thee, I am tempted to call -- Though drowning's too good for each blue-stocking hag, I would bag this she Benthamite first of them all! And, lest she should ever again lift her head From the watery bottom, her clack to renew -- As a clog, as a sinker, far better than lead, I would hang round her neck her own darling Review.