Trainwrecks

i think sometimes it takes trainwrecks, before we'll sit down and look at, really look at, who we are, what we are, and what we've become. and i've had more than my share of trainwrecks.... often we bring them on ourselves, but sometimes we have help... it is the nature of life now that we get used, abused, betrayed, and tormented....it makes one wonder how much of that goes on inside us... for the real battle is always within. all the good and evil, all the hatreds, all the love, all the wars, all injustices, human consciousness, peace, and equality... all begin and end within us. read a quote the other day... forgot who said it, that went something like, '...there are people so good they could never harm or kill anyone. i'm not one of them. i wish i was... but i have to work at it.' and i understood! i did a lot of things, especially when i was younger, that i regret. and i paid the price. i've made a lot of bad decisions, worked for a lot of unscrupulous people, that used you for what they wanted, and dumped you. i've lost everything i had more than once, and stand to again. when you think you dont have anything left to lose, life has a way of showing you different. we too often forget the value of the small things. we forget what really matters. and so you get pushed in a hard corner, and you stand up angry, ready to fight. but what you're fighting is so big you dont know where to start.... and you're fighting a battle you cannot win! and part of it is that the times are hard now. we've run out of options, we have become expendable! the sad thing is that we let this happen. we turned our heads, and walked in indifference. i am not a good man, nor a bad man. i am a man! 58 years old, with health issues, still wanting to work, still fighting for what i believe is right. i have seen and known a depth in life that i try to live, that i try to share, with my actions, words, and intentions. but i've reached the point where i'm not willing to take any more shit! if i've done the wrong thing, then i own my mistakes. but i wont apologize for what i think is right! running out of time, and having a hard time finding a bridge. but that's my problem. again and again telling my clenched fist to open..... waiting for a break, some ray of sun.... human,100% human!