Help Me

(Confessions of a Woman) David lives so far away from me, even though I adore him. I'm aware that he doesn't know me, but he lives in his own world. His photo caught my eye in a book. I love him so much, even though I know I don't exist for him. He's existential for me. I've read all of his books, so I know I have no chance of meeting him and making this love happen. I still want to accomplish this, though. First, I have to disguise my intentions. I am aware of what needs to be done. I'll write him a letter explaining that I'd like to see him for another purpose. I'll be honest. He'll accept my word for it. It'll be the perfect falsehood. I can become the woman he dreams of, slowly. I'm hoping that eventually, he'll develop feelings for me. The emotions of love will emanate from him, and I'll be the one who needs some time to reflect. He will never have access to my innermost thoughts because my little deception might backfire. I can keep playing this game forever without ever learning the whole truth. I'm able to conceal my awareness. I can do this with ease, but I'm not sure if I could lie to myself forever. I'll probably grow old and start lying to get by. I'm not sure how long I can maintain this depressing ontological duality in my consciousness. Between being myself and being someone else in his eyes, at the same time. I know that it ain't good what I'm doing, but I'm desperately in love with ‘im. I remember that Descartes wrote that ''we perceive ideas as objects''. I am so much in love with him that I cannot allow this love to be the lie's object. In addition, even though I adore my writer, I cannot deny who I am. I once heard my mother say that she believes human beings are the only species capable of loving. She stated God is that love; it is God taking on human emotions. I recall saying, 'Love is in itself, ' because God loves us too. Cusanus wrote that 'the world is not God but is not anything other than God.' I told her about this. ''Much more than love, God is truth, she said, because He is ''the fullness of being'.' Yes'', I said, ‘'He is uncreated and creates, He gives being out o' nothing after negating His antithetical nothingness''. I was so happy at that moment being with God and waiting for a miracle to happen. For me, those lovely words seemed to have lost their significance. I see myself as a very depressed woman in the future. I don't want to start seeing myself as negating anything. I know that my love is dying already, but I'm afraid of this. If Eckhart hadn't crossed my mind, I think I would be more courageous. I'm so sad and I love David! Poem by Marieta Maglas