! Christmas Butterfly

Perhaps it had arrived undercover between the rich dark green leaves of the organic cabbage which from the huge holes in its tough outer leaves had brought it up so lively – perhaps reared in some protected warmth, mimicking the months when ‘ small cabbage whites’ are supposed to live – July to September. Or had it flown in or been shipped in from some warmer clime? Christmas Day – was that the kitchen ceiling light about to go? No, it was a butterfly, frantically circling round and round the low-energy bulb, not hot enough to make an Icarus of its daring; always clockwise round the bulb, I thought; palest green to grey to white; frenzied; delicate.. At night, the light switched off, it rested somewhere; then at evening, resumed its mad dance, ceaseless lover, love unconsummated… paid no attention to its cabbage home there in the vegetable rack; only the light, the light… Butterflies do not hear; it did not heed my cries increasing in despair – nothing like a butterfly net to hand; I tried to bring it lower with a gentle spray so that I could catch it; too wild its Maenad dance, too high, too frenzied.. Two, three days passed; so much strength, determination, endurance, in such a tiny thing; no longer garden’s scourge; now a holy thing, in which I saw myself; even wished to love; we became of equal size, in the eyes of God… as were we not always, from Creation’s birth? The fourth morning, I caught it in a cut-glass tumbler against the window pane – the open window had not tempted it – myself now talking to its unhearing, as I did my father on his way to death… it settled in the glass, still moist inside with orange juice; did you know, butterflies taste with their feet… they so quick to land and then take off… such discrimination in those tiny feet, that tiny brain, those tiny, heroic muscles, devoted to its life and love… It flew across the cold and winter garden at such speed, I chose to see it joy or gratitude.. and then, was quiet for a time. * Tiny thing, holy thing, as near to God as angel's wing.