3 English Poems From The Plumber's Widow

Roger Aytoun / Spanking Roger Major-General Roger Aytoun, known as Spanking Roger A soldier at Gibraltar's Siege an ageing widow wed Known as Spanking Roger because he loved a punch-up Six feet four in stocking soles, took his old dear to bed He raced on Kersal Moor where all competitors ran naked Spanking down the road, most well-endowed the ladies said He drank, he gambled, womanized. He was a Scot by birth A pub was gifted with his name long after he was dead Famous Last Words Sir Winston Churchill facing oblivion said ‘I'm bored with it all.' Archimedes, ever pernickety, complained ‘Don't disturb my circles' Augustus Caesar, a thespian to the hilt, Advised, ‘The drama's over. Applaud' Beethoven's publisher sent him twelve bottles of wine On his deathbed…‘Pity, pity- too late! ' Douglas Fairbanks, ever the optimist, exclaimed ‘Never felt better! ' William Pitt the Younger prior to dying said ‘I think I could eat one of Bellamy's veal pies' P.T.Barnum, the consummate entrepreneur, asked ‘How were the circus receipts today? ' Saki, in the trenches, snapped ‘Put that bloody cigarette out! ' Salvador Dali the master surrealist, demanded ‘Where is my clock? ' George Kelly, a man most debonair, said ‘..before you kiss me goodbye, fix your hair it's a mess.' Paul Claudel sought his medical man's opinion ‘Doctor, do you think it was the sausage? ' H.G.Wells, cried tersely, ‘Go away, I'm all right.' The First Duke of Valencia reassured his priest: ‘I don't have to forgive my enemies. I've had them all shot.' Passed Tense The ATM is broken, out of order Its metal mouth is sealed against all income Standing in the queue outside the shop (Only twa at a time in the post office, dearie) I watch four irate people retrieve their cards. En plein air, hardened drinkers, knocking it back Grizzled boozers sit at the near-bye pub Frothy moustaches guzzling up the lager An elderly cyclist, lycra clad, legs like a cricket Leaps adroitly from his bike, approaches the ATM Trying to help, I tell him ‘It isnae workin.' He wheels round, raging, ‘Dinna speak tae me, I've got dementia. I need tae concentrate.' As he remountsto leave, a snide remark Comes from a sozzled wit, clutching a dram. The cyclist fires both barrels, ‘So ye Think dementia's a&! @&joke, ye &! @&? Wi luck ye'll mebbe get a dose yersel.' The joker, silenced, swivels, on his seat