33 Scots Poems Of 2017

1.The Camel's Nose I set up a tent in a park. The meen raise. Ootbye it wis derk Syne I heard a snocher, a spit an a pyocher An snotters flew ontae ma sark In the tent cam a camel's snoot Syne entered the neck o the brute Its wyme an its humphs (Thon big hairy lumps) Till the camel wis in, I wis oot 2.The Tarland Burn The Tarland Burn frae auncient times Is a tributary o the Dee That rins frae the bonnie hills o Cromar Frae Abyne, tae the cauld north sea It defendit the Castle o Coull langsyne It keepit the parks gey trig On the Tarland Wey ye can cross it twice Heugheid an the Otter Brig Forestry, livestock, hoosin, game Blichtit thon burn wi waste Scientist, fermers wirkit hard Noo the watter rins clear faced In the winter o ‘15 storm Frank Gart the Tarland Burn tae swell An eichty trailer loads o grit It tuik tae the flood dispel In bonnier times, aroon the burn The breem an the bracken growe Morven an Mortlich, Laidlich Look doon on this seelie Howe Puddock an otter, bawd an yowe Aa live bi the Burnie side Nettle an pheasant, rowan reid Chose the burn fur a bield bide. The Tarlan Burn in the simmer months Hauds bandies an swippert troot An ower its heid wud goosers hing Reid rasps, an sweet muirlan fruit 3.Freedom o the Toun In oor toun, yer free tae beg Yer free tae turn yer face awa Yer free tae drink yersel tae daith Yer methadone is free anaa Yer free tae wauk awa frae life There's foodbanks fin yer pooch is teem Yer free tae full oot umpteen forms Tae scrape a livin on a scheme Yer free tae fecht depression's bite Alane up in a flechy flat Yer free tae watch a TV screen Scarce ony furniture bar that Yer free tae windae shop ootside Yer free tae wish, an nae tae get The air ye breathe is free as weel Fit's comin ower ye, ma pet? 4.Ode tae a Carrot Fair faa yer honest crunchy carrot Iconic as a Pirate's parrot Nae crystal baa or pack o Tarot Need tell yer fame Haud aff frae aipple juice or claret Ye heid the game Van Gogh hissel has peintit ye Ye reduce retinopathy It's claimed ye boost immunity Calm wind in horses Aince taen tae cure insanity An sain remorses The puir man's Ginseng, sae we're telt Yer seeds for contraceptives, selt In Rajastan ye heal each welt Clapped on as paste An aphrodisiac, tae melt Steel pants wi haste French Forcin, Scarlet Horn, Oxhairt Varieties that set apairt Chantenay, Danvers, Nantes, sae pert Each frae the tither Aroon the warld in ilkie pairt Oor carrot brither The hero o the veggie patch Lued bi Caligula, the vratch Ye loose the bowels wi michty swatch O orange fibre Garrin fowk lift the lavvie catch Frae Tay tae Tiber Ye boost breist milk an menstrual flow A homeopathic veg hero That garrs us tingle, keech, or glow The kailyaird king Lang may ye treat baith high an low Tae carrot zing! 5.Fin the Lion Rampant Veesited the Toun Fin the Lion Rampant veesited- sic a stramash! The toun pit on freepotties o haggis an neeps Panfus o Cullen skink an cock a leekie Heid bummers didnae order furreign maet Lion Rampants dinna like sic fantoosheries Reid an yalla banners brichtened the streets An Saltires blue an fite hung frae the windaes There was a hale clanjamphrey o Tunnock's tea cakes Vats o fusky an gallons o Irn Bru A proceesion o capercaillies in ceevic gouns A unicorn an ane o Landseer's stags Tuik ower the tribblesome darg o traffic wardens The Lion wis gien an ashet o salmon steaks Bagpipes played an dauncers hotched like flechs An erne heidit the walcomin commattee The scurries war jyled in the Tolbooth fur the occasioun The Lion wis interviewed on prime time TV Bi Andra Neil an Jeremy Paxman baith He ett them alive tae sattle their hash foraye His portait wis peinted ootbye the Mither Kirk Bi Jack Vettriano(weirin a denner jaiket) 6.Glesga Ootbye the bus station, a skyrie maple leaf Draps at ma fit like a gift, gowd, broon an yalla, Its veins raxx oot like ballerinas streetchin A humungous clock wi twa steel shanks Rises abune the cassies, a frozen rinner A strip o girse growes upwirds frae a seat Lawns growe horizontal here in Glesga In John Lewis, mannequins staun oorie Faceless heids like aliens Martians riggit oot in the latest trend On Buchanan Street, a dummy in Heilan rigoot Leans teetle a shop windae Its khaki face is chippit, its balance is shoogly Like it's ooto its tree on voddie, buckfaist or smack A squatter o young fowk sprauchle, Een like double-glazed windaes Priggin fur siller frae pensionershis b In a warld gaen tapsalteerie At the Gallery o Modern Art A major exhibition o pornography's Bin cancelled wi apologies tae the public The Duke o Wellington turns his back on thon Weirin his jaunty traffic cone on his bunnet Haein seen the thoosans killt at Waterloo A puckle nuddies widnae gee his ginger 7.The Cheenge Yer ma's comin up tae the cheenge Granminnie telt me I wis echt year auld, dumfounert I luikit at ma fur signs Fin she hung oot the washin Wid her oxters sproot green fungi? Wid she transmogrifee inno a wirm? A taed? A draigon? Wid the skweel get a begeck on parent's nicht Fin a draigon turned up blawin rikk? Mebbe she'd cheenge tae a puddock in the kirk Lowp intae the wee collection pyoke Wid she ett hornygollachs fur brakkfaist Or flee aff intae the lift like a craggy heron? Fin her physog grew reid An swyte brukk oot on her chikks Like watery plooks, wid she melt aathegither An lie on the fleer, a puddle? A mystery aathegither, ayont a bairnie's kennin 8.Wee Senga Wee Senga a weegie fae Govan Let her fairy cakes burn in the oven ‘they're broonies' she said, an the fowk war misled Intae buyin her cakes bi the dizzen 9.Allergies I stert tae hyperventilate fin fowk are late An ironin press kick- sterts ma IBS Fin ma leg is humped bi pets Thon triggers ma Tourettes Arran sweaters are itch-begetters Fowk that that takk the piss Inflame ma psoriasis Fin I'm swickit bi sleekit wyles Ma face brakks oot in byles I need ma piritin In games far I dinna win Fit gaes me the dry boak Is tae get a pig in a pyoke 10.Hairy Mary A clippie frae Troon wi a beard Cried ‘My God, it is jist as I feared Since I stertit wecht liftin Ma hair began shiftin Fraeheid doon tae chin Noo that's weird! 11.The Snoot A snoot blew aff a sodjer's face He gaed tae see the doc The diagnosis that he got It wis an unca shock It's plain tae see, the medic said I'm sure we're aa agreed Puir snoot, yer tale's a symptom That ye've gaen aff yer heid 12.Wincher's Stance: A Statue by John Clinchin Glasgow Bus Station He'd a broo like Andy Stewart He'd a Rab C. Nesbitt sark Wi his bovver buits an jeans on He wis vrochrt fur navvie wark Wi her Tam o Shanter bunnet Wis she jist his Heilan fling? Wi her frock hauf up her bihoochie As he clinched her in a swing She wis aff her feet wi passion Glesga style: The Wincher's stance Close as a mat tae lino Glesga: city o Romance 13. Skinnymalinkie Spider Skinnymalinkie spider tried tae catch a flee Fit a begeck the spider got She'd catched a bumble bee It tore her bonnie webbing It bizzed aroon her heid An skinnymalinkie spider Endit up on bumble breid 14.Feathers A hotterel o spurgies stoor dookin Feathered baas o broon Wenchin an chirpin, a clanjamfrey o clishmaclavers Like berries on the byle Hotchin fur houghmagandie They hae drapt frae the oxters o clouds Wee flee-ups, pynty nebbit, on birrin wings Newsin, sklaikin, fechtin Argybargyincarnapcious towe-rags Stappin their beaks wi wirms Hornygollachs an flechs An vauntie's ony lass wi a keekin glaiss Common as pee-the-beds, spurgies Bit couthie, couthie an braw 15.The Citadel, Aberdeen The Citadel's fur the saved, the gweed, the godly The merket cross could turn tae a merrimatanzie Far life birls roon, a hotterin broth o sowels The herbour, the coort, the howfs Skail oot their fowk tae jyne the mirled melee Seagulls are reined tae a coach load Aimed at the lift, tae the cloudy mansions o Heiven Ablow, the damned, the tint The chauncers, the orrals, the coorse are birsslin in hell The scunnersome pit o sulphur Kent bi Hieronymous Bosch Hauds Auld Nick's forkie-tailed deevilocks On Setterdays, snod wee quinies Wi ballet buns an tutus Lowp like glegs in the Citadel An volunteers in the café raise siller fur causes The seagulls wyte fur the deid Fa've dane least ill Tae flee in their feathery easy-jet tae Kingdom com Up frae the crackit cassies The stank o sulphur whyles wauchts ben the wynds 16. Lizzie's Dother The howdie hauds a sonsie quine Baloo baloo ma dearie The howdie's braid in airm an girth Oh ilkie new born's bonnie Sae mony bairns she's ruggit oot Baloo baloo ma dearie As tunes upon a piper's flute Oh ilkie new born's bonnie The howdie's humfy-backit kind Baloo baloo ma dearie Nae sensual tae a suiter's mind Oh ilkie new born's bonnie Bit mithers in their agony Baloo baloo ma dearie Are gled the howdie's skill tae pree Oh ilkie new born's bonnie An as she showds the newest quine Baloo baloo ma dearie Betimes her een drap tears o brine Oh ilkie new born's bonnie She's ne'er bin coortit neth the meen Baloo baloo ma dearie Ay suppit frae the spinster's speen Oh ilkie new born's bonnie Tho first tae hear each babby's greet Baloo baloo ma dearie Her briests wi milk wir niver weet Oh ilkie new born's bonnie She ay maun haun the babby back Baloo baloo ma dearie The mither's gains the howdie's lack Oh ilkie new born's bonnie 17. La Rencontre Picturs in the peat rikk Castles in the flame Viaducts an factories A warlock's ghaistie hame Did trowies gaither kinnlin Tae pit the magic there? The rikk gaes furlin up the lum Some like Rapunzel's hair Granny lat me see them The dauncers bricht an reid Bit the magic left the ingle Fin the auld wife deid 18. Skeleton Faimly Rick -ma-tick clack the skeletons' banes A faimly ye can see throw at a glisk The bairn is wyvin up at the meen A vratch, a nickum, a scaffold o fite Nae intimmers tae wye them doon Nae wyme, nae puddens, nae hairt nae een Nae need tae keech, cowk, pee or pyocher The skeleton faimly's pure as Norseman's runes Makkin their ain percussion They daunce tae their ain tunes 19. Fish n Chips In Callander inbye a local chippie The guff o fish wis pouerfu an strang I snappit up ma piz an battered haddie I thocht the fish wis aff….a thochtie wrang I turnedroon …an fit a stammygaster A lassie there paps bare's a tinkler's peg An fit is mair…nae shanks, a fish's tail A mermaid in a fish shop….fit a fleg! My body now has passed its shelf life date 20: Some Scots Owersetts Wang Changling (690-756) : Laistin Trust: Autumn Sang (1) She takks her besom tae the Empress's gowd haa Fin it opens at brakk o daysyne she uphauds her roon fan An wanners aboot fur a whyle Her luiks are byordnar, bit arena a match Fur thon o the Winter Craa Camin frae the Bricht Sun Palace Its feathers still glimmrin wi royal licht Chen Ziang: 690-756Sclimmin Youzhou Touer (2) Luikin ahin, we canna see the fowk o the past Luikin forrit, we canna see fowk yet tae cam I think on H eiven an Eirde, braid an aybydan An lanesome, rived wi sorra, ma tears doonfaa Wang Jian: 751-830 The Newly Wad Wife (3) Eftir three days I gaed doon tae the kitchie Washed ma hair, an cuiked a weel-stocked soup I didna ken ma mither-in-law's taste in meat Sae I got ma teenie sister-in-law tae try it first Zhang Ji: 776-89 An Auld Frien Tint in Tibet (4) Later in the fecht on the Yuezhi The men wir aa killt aneth the fortress waas News atween Tibet an the Han wis cut aff There wis nae body tae gaither up her aff cast tent Yer shelt cam back- I kent the remains o yer flag I'd offer up a sacrifice- bit ye micht still be leevin I greet, noo, wi sabs that gae tae the edge o the lift Apollon Maykov: 1821-1897The Hey Hairst (5) The guff o hey is on the park As singin ane an aa The weemen haive the wechty shaives An spreid them raw bi raw An thinner, far the hey is dry Each cheil his forkful haives Until the cairt is biggit heich A hoose vrocht ooto shaives The puir auld shelt fa rugs the cairt Stauns reeted in the heat Wi bucklin knees an lugs apairt He's near asleep, puir breet Wee Tatterwallops rins awa An barks wi bravery An dives an founers in the hey As in a girssy sea Becam the Lift (Rumi) (6) Becam the lift Takk an aixe tae the waa Escape Wauk oot like somebody O a suddenty, born intae colour 21.Naming the Glen Ben, I caa thee Skyty For ye are sliddery tae weety buits Burn, I caa ye Splootery For ye lowp abune the rocks, a breengin geiser Yowe, I caa ye Drappit-Cloud-Wi-Horns An the gollach that ran alang the kitchie fleer I name Wee-Scunner-Grue As I heist ma buit tae squash ye flat's a boord 22.The Anachronism The cuddy maun hae lued oor street Auld Farrant, Victorian cassies Gas lichts an railins, a gentler wyes o leevin An anachronism, near the hinmaist o his kind He pued the veggie cart roon ilkie Friday As a littlin I gaed him a heel o breid tae chaw His muckle hairy lips, nichered ower yalla teeth I think he missed the days o equine traffic Tint in the steer o larries, cars an vans Fin he keeched oot baas on the road frae his bihoochie Neebors ran wi pails tae hairst the bounty I sookit in his hameowernt horsie guff Straikit his flank keeked inno his midnicht een Sivinty year an risiin, I'm the anachronism noo Bumbazed in a warld that cheenges ilkie day 23. Impermanence (3) Ma uncle's ferm hoose wis aye weel set up A muckle lowe aye roastin on the hairth The windaes owerluikit kail yaird, flooers an parks Even the family tyke wis braid in girth His mairrage wis as ticht's a wattle fence Twa bodies wuvven close as knittit oo Ben ilkie sizzen, addin tae their nest Twis clean's a preen, nae pikk o dubs or styew The pine doors scrapit back tae nat'ral wid The cairpets saft eneuch tae droon yer feet The kitchie stapped wi plenishin an gear Wi pots an ashets, jams o berries sweet Until the roup, this hame o mony years Wis guttit like a fish, left lanely, teem Lowse sclates lat in the snaa, the frost, the rain An spylin aa the wirk the pair hid daen It bedd a wrack fur 20 years an mair Anither couple tuik the hoose in haun ‘A money pit.' The incomers declared ‘The best o it's the view ootower the lan.' 24.On Yielding Ower auld tae fecht Ower auld tae flee Better tae yield An lat things be The sonsie aik that disnae bend Storm-strukk, is sindered at the end Bit soople birk boos easy ower Survives the coosest storm's cloor 25. The Rowan Ma forefowk war haley….langsyne, tae humankind I keepit awa the onchauncy, the oorie, the fey I brocht luck tae the new-born's cradle In backyaird, brae or burnside I'm a bield fur spurgies an merles A chaumer fur mavis an yeitie Widlan craiturs coorie intae ma sides Cushle-mushlin saftly thegither The deer, the bawd, the brock Wee bairns sclimm in ma branches I'm their playgrun Their laidder tae the lift In the glamourie o gloaming The humfybackit hurcheon pammers by me Mochs an hornygollachs leave their hidey-holes At dayybrakk I lippen tae the blethers o birdies The clishmaclavers o cheepers is pleisunt tae me Even the lang langamachie o the whaup Ma kinrikk is wee, bit blink-bonnie In ma bairnhood ma jynts wir soople, swack an lythe As I growe, I raxx ma airms tae the lift Tae touch the meen, the starnies an the mirk In spring I brier wi blossom, bridal fite Late simmer, ma crammosie berries are bricht rubies By autmn ane bi ane ma leaves doondrap Ma weird is a birlin wheel o birth an daith See me throw the haar: Am I nae oorie? I am the speeirt tree o the Celts LangSyne 26. A Buddhist Retreat Song (tune McGinty's Meal & Ale) Noo this is nae a sang o love nur yet a sang o honey Faith it's naethin verra peetifu, it's naethin verra funny It's aa aboot a wikk's retreat twis held at dhanakosa Fin a pucklet buddhstveggie fowk gaed for tranquiity An there's nae a pikk o beaf steak, mince or haggis puddens, Na, nor bacon, lamb shanks ither meaty gubbins Nor jeeled eels nor sausages nor liver fried in ingins Fur its anely veggies ye can eat tae find tranquillity An some pit on their hikin buits an skyty braes sune felled them An ithers wyved their hauns aboot like midgies hid assailed them Wi aa thon beans an pulses och the farts wir niver eyndin Drinkin cups o tea an coffee drave them tae the lavat'ry They wir chantin in the kitchie, they wir screivin in the lobby They wir blawin bubbles in the air like they wir fu o toddy They wir rowin ower the fleer pretendin each ane wis a babby In the dhanakosa shrine room in pursuit o clarity Tae hae the strength tae split the clouds they suppit up tahini Parritch, green leaves, an Brussel sproots like ony ither greenie Syne they faffed ther airms, it luikit like they played a concerteenie An the yowes stude roon an watched them aa tae see fit neist they'd dae 27. Rubislaw Quarry (2) I think there's bin a murder at Rubislaw Quarry I think some puir quine's lyin at the boddom Weirin a ceement jaiket, heid bashed in Alang wi a dizzen litters o droned kittlins An tykes, aa wi a stane tied roon thrair thrapples An it micht haud infanticides doon there I think they should drain the quarry like a sink See aa the trolleys, cars and beds rise up An some auld granny there, a pauper's beeried The price o funerals noo, sky heich in cost Bit ye micht hae anither view entirely It's mebbe aa sea horses an pink fairies 28.Winter in Buchan The knowes are lit like smuchterin aisse The stibble parks haud ghaists o grain An ikie cloud strung ben the lift Draps antrin pearls o weety rain Ilk timmer branch o leafless tree Is twistit like Medusa's snakes Blaik hairtit craa flees ower a lum It spies a corp, devauls an skraichs For winter dings the weakest doon The shilpit, hurtit, born ower sune An ower the derkenin gloamin lan The greetin-faced Novemmer mune Luiks doon as Daith stravaigs the grun Like huntsman wi his deidly gun 29. Schuledays Fin the lave o the class chantit tables I turned masel intae a rowan Wi berries like sheenin crammosie draps o bluid ‘I can see right through you' Quo the dominie. ‘You're daydreaming again.' Sums bed in coorse wee hives Far nummers bizzed like bees Snorrelled an raivelled like oo the cat hid cleuked The heidie wis the ringmaister O the hale clanjamfrey o bairns Gley-eed, pirn taed, jug luggit The antrin loon wi a coo's lick The guff o dried-pee breeks The heidie crackit his tawse Ower ony ill-deein hauns ‘I will not tolerate thieving in my school' At dennertime we booedoor heids fur grace Mummlit Amen bi rote The milk wis bottlit, hett, an gey near curdlit Ootbye I played ma lane Stootin jacks or scrattin picturs on tarmac We lined up at the hinnereyn o simmer Fin wasps flew laigh an nesty roon wir heids Aathin in us wintit tae skirl an rin We wir banned frae meevin an inch A wasp micht crawl roon yer moo in its strippit sark Yer hairt stoon-stoonin, ready tae pish yersel Whyles the dominie brukk a nail on the boord Skreichin like a saw on a roosty nail I sat at the boddom o the fowerth diveesion Ma wee fite cheena inkwell wytin tae be fulled The pen nibs haundit oot, alang wi blotters Gymn wis anither stramash, in navy knickers Hurdies stukken thegither wi swyte, wee belly wummlin The radio poored history intae yer lug, firin yer harns Wi Mary Queen o Scots, the knell o the aixe The Bruce at Bannockburn an dowie Glencoe Glory, misery, waeness, bravery Wirst o aa wis the day ma intimmers brakk Bluid ran doon ma shanks.I ran hame skirlin I wi telt I'd cheenged tae a wumman Gotten the curse. Best o aa wis Friday's ‘heidies doon' The pouer an peace o seelence Wirdless, sumless, waspless Hained an healin 30. The Horseman's Wird Ma gransire ained a ferm, a byre, a stable He lued his Shires, his secunt faimily Saxteen hauns heich they stude, his equine bairns A shelt is guidit bi its sense o smell It kens its maister bi his human guff Ma gransire wi ae wird could gar them reist Could quaeten flichty breets, an kent their wyes Fin foalin, he lay doon aa night aside them Whyles, a foalin happened ooto Sizzen Blin drift dingin doon, last snap o winter There in the derk, the grun skyty wi bluid He forkit strae tae bedd the newborn doon Helpit it sook colostrum frae the mither's pap, Wyted fur oors in the cauldrife back o midnicht Cauld chawed his banes, the jeeled win claucht his briest It wis the kistin o him, thon last foalin His secunt faimily brocht wae tae his first Young widdae murnin, three bairns left forehooied. 31. The Worm of Linton There wis a wirm that lived langsyne It ett alike baith man an breet Kept Roxburghshire in constant fear Richt lang it wis frae tap tae reet Inbye the hairt o Linton Loch It bedd - whyles crawled upon lan Devourin kye, yowes, grumphies, fowk It flegged the neeborin human clan The Laird o Lariston strode oot He gaed tae seek a skeelie smith Tae makk a spear as sherp's a thorn Tae kill the nesty breet forthwith He tuik a flame an kinnlit it An drave it in, in…the wirm did kill In its daith thraws it sliddered aff In agony taeLinton Hill In Linton kirk, a carvin's fand O knicht an wirm in mortal fecht An fowk wauk licht by Linton Hill Fin bonnie day hauns ower tae nicht 32. Fachan of Glen Etive in Argyll The Fachan o Glen Etive wis a wee wee wife A dwarfie wi ae leg, ae ee, a moo could haud a feast She'd a clump o seety feathers on his teenie weenie heid An she hidnae ony airms forbye ane stickin frae her breist The Fachan o Glen Etive, she cudnae find a man As ugsome an as orra an as cruikit as hersel The Fachan o Glen Etive, she bocht a cat insteid It wis blin an it wis dottlit it alane could thole her smell 33. The Wid Faimly I'm the youngest, I'm a parritch spurtle Ma auldest's brither's a caber I've a sister that's a back scratcher A cousin that's a cheese boord Ma mither's a cradle Ma da's a steplaidder Ma auntie's a paiddle We'll aa outlive oor ainers.