Birthday

Today, I am nearly six. I am ten steps up the stair, looking in Through the parlour door at a party. I am bad as bad can be. I have not been the perfect hostess, Sweet as a chocolate smarty. I am a black shark's fin on a chintzy china sea. A Shirley Temple of girls is worshipping my cake. I have dreaded this day all week. Mother is raging. 'The things I do for your sake, No nice pink frock when I was wee. You could pretend to be grateful. The hours I've spent on invites, icing, games, Sulk then. Go sit on the stair. We'll have a party without you. Don't blame me if the others call you names.' Today, I am newly six. A circus of giggling girls Is ritually passing the parcel, Is whooping and laughing and yelling. I am ten steps up the stair. I am bad as bad can be. From my two bad eyes, two hot wet tears are spilling. I am wrapping my arms round my sides to hug me better. I want to rub myself out, like a squiggly letter. In my two bad eyes, the sadness drops keep filling.. I am dressed like a lamb on a sacrificial plate. The jellies are spiked with spite, are laced with hate. I am newly six. I am bad as bad can be, Sitting way out on a limb, at six, sixteen or sixty, Feet of clay, and a heart of rusty tin, Ten steps up the stair, On the outside, looking in.