Ferlies (38 Scots Poems)

1.The Mooch Halflin gull, as big's its ma Moochin wi nae shame ava Peengin, peengin on the lum Girnin beak an speckled bum 2.The Traivellers 'I'll hae a limousine, ' quo Sean. `I'll hae a plane, ' quo Jill. `A mansion, meat, fine claes, ' quo John `I'll hae a bank, ' quo Bill. Niver eneuch' quo Anthony `Jist gie me mair, ' quo Ann 'Mair siller, luck, celebrity, ' Mair o it aa, ' quo Dan. Possessions bring their ain consarns A box, a snib, a key, 0 thon, puir John, nae haein much Wis relatively free. Auld Age dinged doon celebrity Ill Health fair soored the zest For gawdy gee-gaws, fantoosh hames Grim Daith chored as the rest. The lawyer tuik the limousine Bi god, the breets are fly The unnertakker tuik the plane The bank, bi then, wis dry Life laists a meenit, luiks as weel, It needs nae maisterplan Tae traivel lichtly ben the warld Daein the best ye can 3.Atlantis in the Burn Aa day they'd biggit castles in the burn, touers o pebbles, moats, A makk-shift waukwye atween bank an puil The citizens, wee bandies, cercled the smaa Atlantis in the Ben Lilliputian fish ruled bi twa Gullivers The castlemakkers' sire on a three day bender Lay heelstergowdie, tuggin at vodka's teat Later, evenin cweeled the fires o day The bender straichtened oot, deid drunk in the swyte o the blin fu. Twa Gullivers washed an fed, lay wi their teds, Newsin o knights an dragons in the tent Noo wis the time fur their dam tae cam intae her ain Intae the warld o shaddas, dwaums an quaet Aa day she'd wyted fur this Naiad's tryst A black flat rock, hauf wye alang the burn The burn, fulled bi strang shooers on the heich braes Ragin on ilkie side like Boudicca's shelts Their weet pelts straiked wi meenlicht. There she micht lie like a sacrifice tae the meen Flat on the rock, the derk nicht on her face Deid tae as bit the rain that dreeped frae the trees Lettin the sappy souns o watter heal her. 4.Ferlies Smaa pyramid, the metronome kept time Merkin the rhythm o the hoose's days Echoed the eident clock's metallic chime A wheel cad roon the mangle fur the wash A smaaer turned the Singer, makkin claes The scuttle, tho, wis Oriental posh An aathin nott a key. Yetts, presses, kists Drink, siller, even linen sheets locked up Wikkly accoonts war kept, an shoppin lists Rhubarb wis stewed in the braisse berrypan A metal sieve saved fat tae licht the fire Waste wis a sin in thon domestic plan Thrift inbred, gars me grue. Aathin is grist Tae the great mill o life that grinds us doon Re-heatin cauld kail, coontless joys I've missed 5.Tae makk a Martyr Takk ae patriot Separate him frae kintra, kin an airmy Croon him wi leaves like ony tattie-bogle Makk a radge o him an his beliefs Add nae drap o human kindness, raither A scoosh o soor grapes, wersh as graveyaird bree Sprinkle a jeelip o heich wirds ower the proceedins Wheep yer warrior, bleedin ben the streets Larded wi gobs an skaith Beat till nearhaun fooshionless Afore a fyauchie boorich o yer commons Hing on the gallows till hauf-smored an thrappled Neist, remove yer patriot, Skewer an disembowel While yet alive... hate is a dish best hett Fry his intimmers aneth his verra een Syne chop the lave an sen tae aa the airts Sae his puir pairts micht flegg aff similar craas Nailin oppression's colours tae life's brig Sit back an wyte There's mair nur deid-flesh stewin 6. Far Ower the Forth: Tune: Burns Song Far ower the Forth I bide in the North Nae an agent ava tween the Don and the Dee An we're telt naethin's selt unless it's Central belt Or it's screived bi a lion o the literatii Whisky kinnles in the keg... is a poet best read Fin the buik wirms are chawin him posthumously? Dis the popular vote gyang tae stanzas he wrote Or his ootrageous ploys at some festival spree? Gin ye screive tae succeed it's a fan group ye need Ye maun tour like a boy band... gie readins o fire An please dinna rhyme... it's a stylistic crime Be obscure or be randy, fowk warm tae desire. Far ower the Forth I bide in the North Nae an agent ava tween the Don and the Dee An we're telt naethin's selt unless it's Central belt Or it's screived bi a lion o the literatii 7.St Nicholas Kirkyaird Doos commandeer the girse, the birds o lair an steen In the liverish sunlicht twa young luvers smoorach A boorich o boozers argy ahin a tomb Three Chinese towrists ett their Boots meal-deal Newsin heich an excited in fremmit spikk Noon, the doon-toon traffic birrs on by. A skurrie skelps its Naval flippers flat Opens its beak an skreichs a bar o warnin Jeelin's a lichthoose in a nicht o haar Aroon it, trees like trimmlin pilgrims shoogle Seem in a briest tae coorie near the kirk. 8.Craigendarroch It's Sabbath in the dwaumy howe aneth. The Darroch's Druid aiks uphaud the sky, Crummles o twig an acorn hap the path, Like horn cups, leaves full wi green doonbye. The knowe shakks oot her skirts o fern an moss. Here, Sizzens slice ben cliffs like crusty breid Growth coddles rot. A chaffie bobs throwe smush, Auld aik trees wyve their wabs o timmer threid The cushie doo sits croodlin on the brae Criss-crossed bi roads nae mortal's traivelled ower Lackin the erne's smeddum, squirrel's virr The swippertness o win tae jink the stoor Yet I'm ane wi this microcosmic airt Sib tae the heather, kin tae burn an mist The hale is bit the sum o ilkie pairt Blythe simmer brakks the lid o Winter's kist 9.Humpback Whales Humpback Whales hae muckle tails. Nae human-born land lubber Could munch the shoals they ett fur lunch, Sea restaurants o blubber! 10.The Seal I am a seal at the Brig o Don I lie in the dubs an pech Fur an oor or twa in the Autumn sun I rowe on my kyte an flech I skelp ma tail in the sappy glaur As the traffic birrs on by I am a seal at the Brig o Don My warld is waves an sky. 11.Telling the Bees: for the late George McConnach, Birse, bee-keeper & farmer I kent a gairden aince, perfumed an bra Simmer flooers wauchtit there, heich as the wa Bees bizzed frae skepps tae Ben, ryped heather bell Ferryin sweetness frae brae heid tae cell I kent the maister fa hairstit their caimbs Creamy wax chaumers wi gowd in their wames Aa throw the winter, he kept the hive hale Syne in the simmer he brewed hinney ale Toonsers supped seerip. His bairns on a plate Spreid rich dreepin nectar on breid that they ate Naebody telt them, wyce craiturs, bees kent Fit the weeds niver howked roon the blawn roses meant Sic a deep seelence! Nae rikk in the lum Frae his winged servents, nae saft eident hum Nae need tae speir wis he cauld in his lair Teet in the gairden. The bee skepps war bare. 12.The Lodger The fishin fleet sails oot alang the sea Stars cut metallic diamonds in the nicht The bed-sit lodger shares immensity Wi table, tickin clock, the open door The stink o fish in ilkie neuk an crannie San shauchles saftly forrit tae explore Like a sea cave her chaumer, derkness fills Marooned, she is a swatch o driftwid here Her landlord an his wife hae hidden gills Like twa auld crabs they squat aneth her room Their hauns like fower hinged pincers curled ower Their faimly Bible, black's the crack o Doom Their drooned son brocht them different agonies Fur him, a sexless bed, fur her, an ache His waukin thochts, a mix o psalms an sleaze It's hett; the open door's ower still tae craik He's nae yet tried tae rape her, bit he will The lodger that he watches aa the wikk Odysseus wad niver anchor here The shoreline's slawly ground tae skin an bane The seaweed rings the herbour like a bier The fisher clachan wi the hairt o stane. 13.Scotty I aye preferred the Vulcan, Mr Spock Lang shanks, fey lugs, mind-mergin empathy Cweel as an ice cream cone Klingons keeched thirsels fm he cocked an ee Bones wis a genteel gent Cud hae stept ooto a tent Far Custer steered his beans roon a mess tin Captain Kirk's face cream wis clapt on thick His six pack bulgin oot his lycra sark A paper puppet sci- fi scripts wad yark Scotty.. the future star ship's anchor man Wis stinch as granite howked frae Rubislaw Quarry Ye've niver heard the like in Cults or Tony? Doric's a pebble on the global shore Twill boldly gae far nae spikk's gaen afore Cone, mess tin, face cream, anchor... 0 the fower. It's anchor men keep star ships tickin ower. 14.Houdini Oor rabbit Houdini wis an escapologist. Tunnels war his forte, chawin ben cages. Naebody telt him rabbits arenae gurly It wis best tae side-step his rages. Oor rabbit Houdini wis a tiger A biter, a gurrler, a lowper He ett up neist door's carrots at ae go, Even a prize chrysanthemum They'd reared frae seed, fur show. Ay, he wis a chorer, a worrit, a reiver Efter a nicht on the scraun Howkin up leeks ben the street We fand him teirin fur ooto his breist We pit it doon tae simmer's plottin heat. He bigged a nest, turned broody, bedd at hame We war fair vexed. We missed his quanter warks Ae mornin, there they war Houdini's tribe, in fite an spotty sarks. He wis a her. She tint the will to raik Stopped gurrin, sattled doon tae captive life Ett pellets. Foo we missed the reprobate! She hid tae be rechristened Rabbit Kate. 15. Samantha Sook Samantha Sook's a vampire Wi leather wings fur claes Ye'd think she wis a brolly Bi the wye she curls her taes She's niver seen in daylicht She comes oot efter derk Fin she's clartit on her lipstick Tae ponce aboot the park She'll drain the pouer frae muggers Till they're fooshunless as jeely Syne cairt them aff tae jyle Afore they stert tae throw a feely She'll oxter up a burglar Makkin on she's really pally Syne sink her fangs inno his neck Till he turns peely wally Samantha Sook the vampire Anely comes oot wi the stars Tae lowp aboot at discos An tae sattle teenage wars Sae dinna fyle yer boxters If ye catch her in a neuk She's a law-abidin vampire Super-bat, Samantha Sook 16.Mollochy Mowdie Maister Sleuth Mollochy Mowdie Maister Sleuth's An undercover spy He can watch ye frae yer gairden Cause he's affy affy fly Thon's nae a daffy in yer yaird It's his new periscope Thon's nae a gun that's in his pooch It's Mollochy's microscope He'll tag yer washin, chore yer mail He'll bug yer front door bell Fur Mollochy Mowdie Maister Sleuth's The Neeborhood watch frae Hell. 17.PC Farrabooter The faistest bobby in the North is PC Farrabooter He wheechs aboot wi goggles on Abune a souped up scooter It's 'Fa are ye? An 'Far ye gaun? An 'Fit's that bag ye hae? ' Gin burglars say 'Fit's it tae ye? ' They've really made his day He disna skelp them roon the heid He disna need a shooter He chynes them tae his super-bike An zaps them wi his hooter. It disnae toot nor cheep nur skirl It skytes oot seagull's keech The guff laists mair nur forty days... Nae punishment's as dreich As guffin like a herrin's dowp Left sax wikks doon a drain As Pc Farrabooter says `They dinna dae't again.' 18.Kelpie Clype Gin ye dinna wint a ragin Bide awa frae Kelpie Clype She's an irritatin cuddy Wi a neb as lang's a pipe Did ye scrat the fermer's tractor? Wis it ye that flegged the coo? Did ye chase it roon the midden Till it wisnae fit tae moo? Did ye zap the chukken's eggies Did ye peint them blue an black? Noo she thinks that they are aliens An winna takk them back Wis it ye that let the yowes oot? Noo they've set aff up the lane Tae see the movie Rambo Nae a ticket tae their name Kelpie Clype'll tell the fermer Unless ye keep her sweet Sae gie her chocolate smarties Dinna argue noo... jist dee't! 19.Bogle Bowf Bogle-Bowf is a minky ghaist He'll doss in a high rise flat Inside a kitchie rubbish bin Noo fit d'ye think o that! Bogle Bowff he claiths himsel Frae orrals yer ma haives oot Wi tattie-parins fur a tie An moosewabs fur a suit An fin he's scunnered o coontin stars Up heich in his stinky bed He dials a space-ship cab frae Mars An wheechs tae the planet Zed He fits richt in at the aliens' club Wi hairy pink gorillas Wi horny-gollachs fur his grub An deep-fried armadillas Sae gin yer wheelie bin luiks teem Wad this nae gar ye scunner? Bogle Bowf's bin dressin up In last nicht's pizza denner. 20.Abernethy McCrone Abernethy McCrone lives on ice cream an chips He's as roon as a haggis on pegs He's got three double chins... he needs ten wheelie bins An I sweir he's got boddomless legs Fa chored the vanilla fae thon big gorilla The bouncer at Boozy Café? Fa wheeched the flake affo skateboordin Jake As he skyted roon Bum-shoogle Bay? Abernethy McCrone'd kill his cat fur a cone Fin he spies twa lime scoops in a buggy Afore the wee doo his the tongue oot its moo It's bin mugged. Sae's it's aunty, Big Aggie At the whiff o a gang haudin chips he can scran He's like lichtenin at pinchin their stash Afore they can craw, 'Fit's yer game? ' he's awa In a fleerich o chips an a flash Supervillains like men hae their failins, ye ken Abernethy McCrone's is his greens Fur he losses his pouers if he's locked up fur oors In a roomful o veggies an beans. 21.Cahootchie Quine Cahootchie Quire's a moocher. She cud tap a steen fur bluid In the verra deid o Winter she wad chore a spurgie's breid She will butter up a victim makkin on they're in cahoots Bit she'll steal their lad awa frae them.. She likes forbidden fruits Her buits war made bi Gucci, bit belang tae cousin Jess Her jumper is Armani (It lowped frae her sister's press) Gin yer queuin fur a burger, she'll hae left her purse at hame At the dodgems, quick as lichtenin, she will say the same again ` Ye surely wadna grudge me a wee haun tae pye the bill? ' She cud milk a brick fur siller wi compassion overkill If ye hear the hootchie cootchie performed tae a Ra Ra Ra It's her wye o celebratin in her skirt an wonderbra Ay, Cahootchie is the leader in the cheer team o the schule Ilkie stitch she weirs is borraed an her mooto's Moochers rule Sae if meet Cahootchie Quine be warned, she's on the mooch Keep yer screwtap on yer bottle an yer piece inside yer pooch! 22.Jess the Yowe Jess the Yowe likes knittin It gets things aff her chest An wi her knittin needle They turn intae a vest Her boddom's babies booties Her lugs hae made a tie Her bum is a tea cosy An it's hingin oot tae dry 23.Mitherless Niver a wird o the randy ram Fa scarce ava cam near it The thocht is as fur the affcast lamb An the mither fa cudna rear it Yet growe it did, fur sturdy youth Has a hunger that maun be fed Mither or no, it'll climm the brae Tae the knowe o the future wed There's umpteen mas an das in the warld Kind, luvin, coorse, or tint For Fate that pens the plans o aa Whyles smudges the blueprint. 24.Welsh Shelt: Study 2 Nae Constable's cuddy, This is a stoot Welsh shelt His kyte's a wechtit ark Humfed atween fower roch bearers His nyaakit snoot is snocherin Pearls tae his fuskery mou His wrunkled hochs are splytered Wi sharn an strae His neigh's a smiddy's bellas His gray dowp sproots a wheep 0 a yarkin tail The stable's fyaachie green. Its yett's a lichen's cradle, Its porch is a kirn o dubs, A soss o pish an nettle. Ivy's haudin the spars o its waas thegither The wid is sennin her saplins Inno the brukken bield o the winny steadin Far girse an dockens gently showdy-powd For trees an shelts are sib, sit kind, thegither Unner the weety cloud I rax ma fingers forrit tae be sniffed The sheltie cocks his heid. I hae forgotten the cherm o the horseman's wird The punk bumbazement o his mane's A besom swypin the air, noddin at naethin Time, rins on its gird He gies me the bum's rush The cauld showder Syne swithers, unsteekin The midnicht purse o an ee The cream star on his face Lies warm tae ma haun We staun in seelence Breet an wummin Lattin the bird o gloamin Full the air wi sang Lattin the dark rise roon us like a flood 25.Kashmir Earthquake Bairns lie stiff as new-sterched linen Laid in quate drawers Far classies kisted them. Stoor skenkles their hair An frost, that faas Ben cracks in pavements like their lives The day, yird smashed its plates Made kinnlin o clachans Tint its merbles Cowpit an unripe crop Inno its derk winepress Allah is merciful Here and yonner, A dall, a baa, Survives 26.Autumn Paddock The aipple tree in Autumn dis nae darg Neither dis she spin. Fruit chaps throwe Her spinnly fingers, her leaves flichter Ower the shelt, noisily croppin the girse A knowe, like a floatin mosaic Pieces itsel thegither ahin bare branches A tit squeezes a note frae its pod o feathers Conductin its ain solo The Sizzen's piebald coat Losses anither threid. 27.Seggs Nae Moses in yon seggs. The taed dwaums In the cauld dubs o the puil. A dyeuk rins ower the water, A cartoon skreichin Ilkie tree's a Narcisses. My lug's an orchid frost is turnin blae 28.The Snail's Trail This foreneen 1 follaed the snail's trail Doon tae the tarn. In its keekin-glaiss I wis a partan My world wis san. I maun hae misread the sign I wis ettlin tae fin the place Far dog-roses growe frae rigs Far the deer kinnles the sunset In its cloud reef Far the torc worn bi the bog-man, Unsteeks his een. 29.Less than a Leaf Less than a leaf, bit sae much mair The drap that hings abeen the puil A wattergaw growes in its side Yon drap hauds oceans at its core 30.Birthday A single rosebud rowed in foil An lacy paper, like a bride She gied me. I turned on the tap Tae keep the canker frae its side An ransacked hauf a dizzen shops Tae fin a vase o porcelain Tae haud erect yon cherished bloom As the kirk caunle heists the flame I peeled it frae its surplices Syne, foo my hurtit fancy bled! It didna weir a croon o thorns The rose wis plastic, ergo, deid. Its yoam, a ferlie I'd made up Yet I confess, thon fake did shift My mood. The Rose inbye the rose Wis this: her giein o the gift. 31.Samhuin The aik tree skreichs in its auncient anchors Its leaves faa singly doon tae the grun Late October, the squirrel chitters Listen. Auld snibs slide `neth the lan. Hyne awa in the lichtit city Autumn is firewirks in the park A joke. A pumpkin. A bairnie's lauchter A meenit's show in the peintit dark. Naebody sees on the floodlit cassies Samhuin stride unner glitterin starns Sweengin a scythe that's keen an deidly Greater nor presidents or wars 32.Jannie I stride atween the skirlin bairns Fechts stop. An argy-bargy dwines I am the jannie. My wird's law A schuleyaird god in my size nines. The teachers gie them Science, Art Gymnastics, cookin, the three Rs A wummin's wye..an oorglaiss day I steek their neives, their playgrun wars The menfowk that they see at hame Pairt-timers, dossers on the mooch Heich upon hash, or booze, or baith Their haun stappt in their mither's pooch Is aa some ken. I tilt the scales Ay in command o my five senses I teach them men hae qualities That raxx ower past an tenses Like Janus, back in auncient Rome I guaird their warld. Nane pass by me That seeks tae hairm, misfit or vex The littlins in my territory. The teachers hae their tests tae set They educate, a wechty dreel I patch up windaes, see fair play I keep them warm, an safe an weel. 33.Grave Goods Aunt Belle wis kistit ae Friday, in blin drift, fite's her shroud Alang wi twa choruses o Perfect Love she aywis sang at waddins An her wee cheena cup wi the gowden rim. Likewise, wis consigned tae the yird The space ahin her ribs her hairt vacated efter her man deed, A pumice stane fur smeethin her hard heels, A pair o pink silk bloomers tae her knees (Kiln-crackit legs, a gusset double steekit) , Five yorkie's hairs, a yoam o John Begg's fusky An ae resoundin: `Tyauch! I kent his faither! 34.Squirrel I turned richt inno the wids On a weet day, the leaves gane yalla A leaf brukk aff, cam flichterin inno the puil Half a squirrel spied me Mid ben his helter-skelterin. Slow as a meevin statue Settin each fit in the dubs I socht tae see him hale. Squirrel-less, the great trees fulled wi mist 35.A Scottish Interactive Chant (each two verses, to be repeated twice, as in call and response) Seagulls are a feartie species Yon's a lee Veggie haggis is delicious Pigs can flee My thon Heilan coo's got hair! Can it see? I've a pyoke o drams an heavies Far's the spree? There's anither twenty verses Dearie me! 36.Samhuin (2) October rattles in my bane. Dwined tae a crochlie carlin wife I peer throwe Winter's windae pane Unbairned, un-wad I staun alane Cut doon bi Fortune's prunin knife My mortal pouers are on the wane The warld's a cyclical refrain Derk turns tae daylicht. Peace meets strife My dragons sleep, aa passions, slain I am the spider in the rain Play up, Langshanks, wi drum an fife Age is a spinneret o pain The lintie fled wi blythe Beltane The spring that lowped sae swack an lythe Crined tae a sheugh...an orra stain. Sae, as the sickle greets the grain We boo tae pye the kirkyaird's tithe Smaa odds, tae mourn, or complain Samhuin approaches. Corbies mane I'm at the lees. Wersh, wersh is life The meen's a bride, the stars, her train My bridetime's ower. I wad be gaen. 37.Sacrifice I hae kent the wyes o kye I hae wyed my hairt Agin a shaif o sun An fand it wintin Fan the deer-skinned Shaman's rattle Set my path apairt Fan he chose me as the ane Ah, it wis dauntin Syne I myned on the hairst bull Foo its fite heid gied a start Foo we watched the reid bluid rin Ah, it was hauntin 38.The Long Company: Gangrels. Fit a begeck! I saw them, the gangrel bodies Argy-bargyin in the girsy sheuch Aneth the rowan. There, bi the gap in the hedge Ane o their ill-trickit loons Cam wi his young tyke, snufflin. I took ma lammie up tae the hoose-park.. We dinna trust incomers They'd stap their wymes wi onybody's grumphies, Though they can trim the hedge an clear the lang cuttins Ye'd be a gomeral nae tae steek the yett.