Grey Matter (17 Scots Poems)

1.Flat Daddies Yer da’s awa, wee man He follaes the sodjer’s trade Bang bang, yer deid! Lie doon! Thon’s foo a corpse is made Fit dis he fecht for? Ah! He maunna speir ower far As lang as there’s life, there’s strife As lang as there’s bluid, there’s war Fit are the richts an wrangs? The usual, religion an siller Drugs, politics, hate an fear Whyles, aa rummelt thegither Dinna forget yer da, Littlin, he lues ye true Here is his photy, kiss it Flat daddy, he’s real for noo 2.Sklaik Fa’s the chauncer screived this styte? Fit’s his angle? Fit’s his gripe? Fit mair damage micht he dee? Fit’s that? It micht be a SHE? Thon’s mair like it. Weemin slaik. Aa their tongues can dae is claik Gin I find this nesty hissie She will claw far she’s nae yokie I will stop her clishmaclavers Damn her een! I’m spittin feathers! 3.Dr Sheila Douglas A Yorkshire lass on her mither’s side, An Ayrshire cheil, her faither Aften at sea, as an engineer In gurly an peacefu weather At 5 she crossed the border tae bide In Scotland, in Renfrewshire An she sang like a liltin lintie there In the Paisley Grammar choir She merriet an moved tae the toun o Perth Far ben in the TMSA Belle Stewart the traiveller wis her frien An mony’s the tune they’d play The seeds war sown for a wechty hairst Her buiks, her sangs, won praise Bit sair wis the weird that stole her voice An bladded her hinmaist days Gin ghaists cam back frae the warld ayont She’ll appear as a cheery sang That the gaun aboot fowk will takk up Tae chant as they wauk alang 4.Blairgowrie in Mey Far’s the berries? Far’s the jams? Far’s the traivellers singin sangs? Shops wi geegaws geylike pricey Traffic crossins unca dicey Cheese n’ chips tae cairryoot Hungeret gull: g’wa ye brute! 5.Pitlochry in Mey Pitlochree! Pilochree! Cherges 30 pence tae pee Gweed fur plays….fresh air is great. Average age is saxty eight 6.Yowes Aa sheep really dae is ett An growe a coat tae keep them hett An syne they’re shorn o aa their oo An resurrect as mutton stew 7.Mey: Ballater- Braemar The bonnie larick’s elfin green The brassy stauns o daffs are blawin The parks are happt wi infant craps Fite flooers upon the gean tree’s shawin The lambs are hardy billies noo Bricht pee the beds an gowans thrive Saft wins heist up the furlin craa The bees heeze oot frae hilltap hive Anither layer o lichen creeps Abune the gravesteens frae the mools Swans drift like snaa abeen the loch Their een like skinklin ebon jewels Broon mowdie humphs, like raaas o scones Brunt crisp, stretch oot alang the stoor The antrin lum still blaws oot rikk The Glen Muick kirk bell chimes the oor Stravaigers, climmers, raik oot buits Cauld clachans open shoppie doors A puckle towrists thrang the streets Reid squirrel’s teemed her winter stores The Bens that glower tae Coilacreich Are like braidclaith, patched ower wi sna The burns that breenge aroon Braemar Are reamin wi the Sizzen’s thaa 8.Linn o Dee There’s a twist in the thrapple o Linn o Dee Like a bubblyjock’s deid thraa Sae watch yer step…wi a skyte an a whoosh Like stoor, ye’d be wheeched awa Doon at the foun, wee saplins wyde In the watter, sae heich it rins An the furlpuils deep far the kelpies sleep Are birlin widdershins The braes aroon are burgundy The lift abune is blae An the mist wyves moosewabs ower the heath O this neuk far the ernes play 9. The Fit-washin o Tam Mishanter Aa men o wirth maun sikk a wife A bidie-in tae share their life An sae, decidit Tam Mishanter Leavin ahin the bawdy banter O gallus chiels fa gied hee-haw Tae Tam’s ain dearie, Mysie Law Doon on ae knee he fell tae speir That they’d be wad wi’in the year Bit unbekent tae glekit Tam On Facebuik, Twitter, tae a man His friens had organised a pairty For Mysie’d traivelled frae Rosehairty Tae her hen-do in Lanzarote Spray-tanned bricht orange. Fit a hottie! The invitation sune went viral An sae began Tam’s doonwird spiral Fin Tam wis in his boxers dowpit Afore TV he quickly lowpit Fin near twa hunner guests poored in Tae a guid auld Scots fitwashin They clartit him wi superglue Stuck feathers ower his airms an broo They tarred his todger, steeped his feet In tractor ile and sileage weet They tuik his pet pot-bellied grumphie An gart it daunce the Reel o Stumpie They biled his sat nav in the soup Force-fed him peels for brewer’s droop A wheen Hell’s Angels frae Dundee Crashed his Subaru in a tree His Glenmorangie they drank doon An fit they scaled, wi Mysie’s goun They dichtit up, while houghmagandie Tween Mairi, Calum, Keith an Sandy Ahin the sofa, on the fleer Tuik place on ilkie bed an cheer Syne twenty gays frae East Kilbride Ten rappers up frae Kelvinside Wi drums an guitars gied it laldy Wi bagpipers up frae Kirkcaldy They caad the hoose tae crockanation Blootered Tam’s i-pod an play station Hett chocolate haived ower Mysie’s drawers Teemed oot the pantry’s tins an jars On her fite sheepskin rug, sic cowkin! Wi pish near ilkie carpet bowfin Tam’s neebors, stinch an godly-kind Near deaved tae daith an ooto mind Sune telt the polis o this stooshie There’s limits tae a local hoolie Tam’s drink wis spiked, it mashed his heid He roared an lowped wi unca speed The polis cam, bit Tam wis vauntie They tazered him ahin the chunty While helicopters, SAS Added tae the puir chiel’s distress He rummled doon the rubbish shute An Tam wis sounly knockit oot. An noo tae casualty he birled Unconscious. Nichtmares roon him furled He dreamt he faced Big Jock McGraw Cage fechter wi an iron jaw An aa nicht syne in A an E Tam spent the time in Purgat’ry Wi stammach pumps, supposat’ries Tae keep him clear o the DTs Neist eftirneen, in sheriff coort He pyed the price for ithers sport Tagged, fined an peely wally, Tam Gaed hame tae face a nookie ban For Mysie on her hett hen-do Had fand a Spanish chiel tae lue 10. Tell-Tale Tits Peepin Toms In their lang johns Cannae get a wumman They watch ithers’ cairry-ons Tell tale tit Yer mammy cannae knit Yer daddy cannae gae tae bed Wioot a dummy tit Peepin Toms In their lang johns Cannae get a wumman They watch ithers’ cairry-ons 11.Hillie’s Ruck Back o the byre in the meenlicht The ruck skinkles like sharn A strae toll-hoose, stappit wi rottens an squeaks Stackit an thackit bi skeelie cottar’s hauns A Van Gogh swirl o starnies owerluiks This corn-hoose, dwaumin in derk In the mids o the byre, chynes clank, As the penned heifers chaa their dubby neeps Whylst frae the reef tree abeen them The fite-faced hoolet, Auld Snaaie Flichters ghaistly oot on his nichtly hunt 12. Ghaists on a Dyke, Glen Gairn Risin ooto the muir on an Autumn nicht The ghaist o a tod wheechs by like an eildritch mist The wraith o a pheasant, ripples ower the stanes Like the licht o a wattergaw, frae a warlock’s kist A hoolet raxxes the shade o his soochin wings Tho his corp in the mill o daith is poodered grist A Highlander, rins wud frae Culloden’s grun Back tae the Glen far a coorse Laird gart him list Fermers, cuddies an ferlies sikk tae bide Bi the auld stane dyke, stinch bield bi the Gairn’s side For aathin teemed frae the pooch o Life gyangs back Tae the mools, the seed bed’s wyme, secret an black 13. Girse Fusper fusper girses Fit’s yer story noo? Did ye see the ferm quine Steppin ben the dyew? Did ye see fa catched her Fa gaed her airm a yark? Fa cowpit her, fa kittlet her Fa heistit up her sark? Fusper fusper girses See her belly swall Will she drap the littlin Doon Hillie’s wall? 14. Neanderthal’s Valentine Gruntin an pechin, the Neanderthal Flang his dearie’s Valentine doon afore her First chaa at the bluidy hairt O a sabre tooth tiger. 15.Tree Spikk: Ash: I am the bow an the spear Growin in Haly wells Ma berries in bairnies’ cradles Pruif agin changelin spells Elder: I am the damp cramp bark Bringin succour tae weemins’ sairs Ma berries like menstrual bluid Bring balm tae female cares Ash: I am the yggdrasil The muckle Norse Tree o the Warld A waukin stick fur the auld Yule log tae the snaa fire thirled Elder: I am fussle an chanter an pipe Fey music sae slicht an slee On Samhuin, aneth ma leafy boughs The Elf King’s fowk ride free Ash: Cleave me tae hel a bairn Passed nyaakit atween ma cleaf Bound, I will quickle cure Aa mainner o newborns’ skaith Elder: Ma seerip is richtly famed Tae cure auld bodies o ague It hauds the witches awa Pits the hems on the warlock plague 16.The Court Hoose Windae Box Peem McAndrew, hoosebrakker frae Fersochs Gien eichteen months community service Stubs his fag oot in a sweet violet’s face Sweirs an aiths spew ooto his sewer mou Donnie McAllister, guitly o connin auld bodachs Ooto their life savins. Five hunner pun fine. Pues a pansy ooto the box fur his lapel Pammers ower the cassies, on the hunt for his neist gowk Toya Dunnoble, catched wi a bra fu o crack Lowsed, pendin reports, boos tae sniff a petunia Toya still guffs o fish in wikk-auld undies Aff tae pick the bairn up frae her ma Its face a clart o sweeties, bogies, dirt 17.Alane I glower inno the frost’s fite physog A Scots owerset o a poem bi Osip Mandelstam (1891-1938) Alane I glower inno the frost’s fite physog. It’s gaun naewye, an I—frae naewye. Aathin ironed flat, pleated wioot a lirk: Merveillous the breathin plain. Betimes, the sun gleys at this sterched puirtith— The gley itsel satisfeed, peacefu... The ten-fauld wids nearhaun the same... An snaa crunches in the een, bairnlike, like clean breid.