Martin Van Butchell (1736-1812)

Son of a tapestry maker to George II, King Butchell was born beside Red Lion Square, Skilled dentist and anatomist, doctor of everything Van Butchell fashioned trusses with consummate skill and flair In Mayfair, he treated ruptures, and anal fistulas He charged two guineas for a consultation A full set of false teeth cost 80 guineas With springs, gold pivots, wondrous innovation He made and sold gents corsets, drawers, and garters Wrote whimsical newspaper adverts, this odd physician He wore a weird costume, grew a long beard Carried a large white bone as a defence weapon. Hyde Park was one his favourite riding haunts On a white pony, he painted with stripes or spots One of his quirks, he refused to make house calls Spurned a fee of 1000 guineas, could not be bought He invented cork-lined stirrups to hold his boots He invented a bridle that had a horse's blind That he could raise or lower over its eyes To black out things to affright it, well designed He refused to call for his children by their names, Choosing to whistle for each child instead. His wives were allowed to dress in black or white And he always dined alone, or so it's said His first wife Mary died and was embalmed She was filled with powdered nitre, glass eyes added She was dressed in a gown, and set in plaster of paris With a glass lid on the coffin, in limbo stranded And in his house the corpse lay on display For folk to gawp up, for Mary's will was bound By a clause that provided Van Butchell with an income As long as his dead wife stayed above the ground When he remarried, his second wife objected, So Mary was gifted to the Hunterian For 166 years, her corpse remained there Till an air raid bombed her body to shards of skin Poor Mary, it seems, did not age well embalmed A viewer remarked the best thing was her teeth Wizened an hideous, horrid to look upon The bombing, then, was a merciful release