On The Rocks: Scots

The Buik that gaed tae Space I'm the buik that gaed intae space. Nae the Dandy or the Beano Nae Trainspottin or Sunset Sang Nae The Dear Green Place Na. I'm the buik that crosses aa ages I cairry Burns's wirk atween ma pages Fur twa wikks I orbited the Eirde Twa hunner an seeventeen times Sic a birlin-aboot tirrivee Fair jurmummled the great bard's rhymes Noo that I'm hame an sattled It's time tae takk stock I miss the meen, as close as lugs tae a heid An the lunar scene frae the windae As the muckle yetts opened tae dock! Haud the bus! Thon wis a stammygaster! A deid, dour, dowie, disjaskit stoory baa This desert that inspired sic imaginins Queen o the Druids, fa gart the gyte roar in their staas Fa kittled the hochs o luvers, Camin throw the rye, hairst happenins Fa pued the tides, an ruled the warld's oceans This grey, cauld satellite o lunar commotions An far is Aitken Drum? , Far's Wee Willie Winkie? Far's the Buddhist rubbit? Far's the werewolves an vampires Up tae their murderous jinkies? Aa tummlit doon like a biggit touer o cairds Meen, that wis the dearie o priests an bards Still, masel, (His buik that thoosans o miles Up in the lift has furled) The keeper o Burns's poems Hae bin truly ooto this warld Beat thon, mannie Shakespeare Ye've niver reached the stars Niver seen the meen as a stop on a cultural tour Neist appearance Mars I am the knowe caad Morven I am the knowe caad Morven Nae a Munro, jist a Corbett I dinna get abeen masel Some reeze oot Kilimanjaro, Ben Nevis, or Annapurna 1 I dinna gee ma ginger Nae me. I'm the knowe caad Morven I'm roon tapped an heathery I hae a gran view o Lochnagar an Cromar I luik doon on Groddie, Blelack, an Tarland Ma sides are steep an girssy The win wheeps roon ma heid Lord Byron reezes me oot in a poem, In Gaelic they caa me A' Mhòr Bheinn I'm nae fantoosh Nae hingin cliffs or jaa-drappin crevasses Aince, Queen Victoria trotted up ma sides The dunt o the puir shelt's hooves Drave in like pikes aneth the Royal wecht I wisnae amused Hikers' buits scrape oot wee pathies on ma braes Guns blooter bawds tae smithereens Apairt frae the human veesitors, I like it here. Yowes, deer, ptarmigan, grouse Ernes an buzzards, they're aye walcam here Ma ainers micht cheenge hauns Bit I'm nae fur flittin Humans? I'll ootlive ye aa Threids, claith, needle Ma grunny hid skeely hauns Ilkie evenin the shewin cam oot Roon her thrapple a mournin band Roon her fingers the linen cloot Threids o siller an blue Gowans wi emerant leaf The stob o the needle, true Pricked the tablecloot's relief Whyles twis her crochet hyeuk She'd ply wi a speed uncanny In her seat bi the ingleneuk An eident wife wis granny At darnin, nane could best her She could wyve upon fower preens An whyles there'd be kecklin an lauchter Sae deep twid near brakk yer beens Ma grunny hid wyes o her ane Gentle, nae grace did she lack Stem stitch, split stitch, chain Ae stroke, an her warld turned black The Elphinstane Institute Fit wirkshops has it hosted, the Elphinstane Institute? Diddlin an sang screivin, Jew's harp an speen playin Ferm cookin, strae wirk, wi beadwork an spinnin Peintin gay caravans, crotchetin, wyvin Dressin a Clydesdale, herbal cures, wid turnin Makkin Petery Dicks, futtlin, warm Gansey knittin, Makkin a creepie, an dry stane dykin Basket, sporran makkin, traditional boat biggin Farrier wirk, corn dallies, fussle playin Fit are the Elphinstane Institute's theses? The lanscape an myndins o heich Bennachie Shamanism the airt o the richt unca fey Leith haa's guided tours, the reid telephone box The hen pairty, daunce tae the present day Fowk faith an fear in the fishin community New Pitsligo lacemakkin sclimmin Ben Macdui Fintry an Kinker. Twa kintra schules' studies The auld ship o Zion, (sangs that gie hymns laldy) Music played noo in funeral practices Makkin the fiddle sing, sharin a melody Plants, corn, rituals, pagans an witches An opera, titled Mill o Tifty's Annie Lullabies, tattoos, an fairgrun faimlies Nigerian foodwyes, Poles, the curry ceilidh North sea quines affshore, the Dons fitbaa club The mart, meetins wi ghaists, Lonach ongauns an fusky Miriam's dothers an burnin the Clavie Doric spikk that's haundit doon throw the faimly Alex Green. Bairn play in Banffshire's Glenlivet An mair that's the heirskip fur posterity Far is its ootreach, the Elphinstane Institute? Festivals, conferences, Elphinstane Kist Newsletters postit, recordin, performin The Cullerlie Traditional Singin Wikkeyn, Wi the Toulmin Prize tae inspire Nor-East screivin, The North Atlantic Fiddle Convention Education in Banff an the Doric Boord darg The digitisation o the Carpenter gaitherin Washington's Mall, fur baith singer an bard Fa are the ghaist o the Elphinstane Institute? The ghaists o the past, Dauvits Buchan & Murison, Porter, Nicolaisen, Colin Milton as weel Stanley Robertson, tale-teller, prince amang traivellers, Aa plooed a straicht rig, in the Institute's dreel Fa cairries things forrit in the Elphinstane's Institute? Ian Russell, fa haundit the torch tae Mckean Wilkins, Le Bigre, Hall wi umpteen ithers The secretar, Alison, students an staff An the fowk o the North East, oor colleagues an brithers We Three Men: Tune We Three Kings of Orient Are We three men hae traivelled afar Twa on a bike an ane in a car Uber-eats we bring ye treats Oor service is five star Chorus: Pizza pie or chilli wraps Chukken nuggets or Big Macs Deliveroo brings chips fur you Simple! Jist doonload the apps Xmas shoppin ooto the gale e-bay, online, Royal mail gouns in satin, nae mair parkin in the Black Friday sale Chorus There's the bell, arrived wi yer toast Asda van delivers the roast Nae mair humphin spuds an dumplin Aa fur a decent cost Chorus Dinna try tae drive intae toun Cameras snap, they watch aa aroon OAPs wi jittery knees Maun flag a taxi doon Chorus The xmas market's fine if yer flush Queues are lang if yer in a rush Weather's freezin aabodies sneezin It's the time o sleet an slush Chorus God rest ye Xmas shoppers God rest ye xmas shoppers The tills will ring aa day And Marks & Spensers coffers Will lead you aa astray Wi sales o skirly an plum duff In affa posh display Chorus Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy Buy-aa buy Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy An fin yer at the cash line Ye'll hear the littlins cry Mair cola crisps an chocolate They howl they stamp they sigh The bins are stappt, the presents wrapped Yer debt is noo sky high Chorus Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy Buy-aa buy Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy Get doon tae Asda's shoppie An grab yersel a gnome At Lidyl an at Aldi Yer in the festive zone Makk sure tae purchase Rennies An mind tae charge yer phone Chorus Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy Buy-aa buy Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy