Scots Poems From The Pantheist

The Text Dear Sister, jist a text tae say Ye'll nae be in oor bubble This Xmas… for each Xmas past Yer faimily brings trouble Ye mind thon year wee Jason Fused the fairy lichts for fun Fin he shot them withoot warnin Wi his high pouered watter gun? Yer man held up the mistletoe I thocht tae get a peck Bit nae a kiss like thon His tongue wis haufwye doon ma neck An Chardonnay, the bizzim Vomited aa ower crackers As weel's the turkey…thon year We'd tae send it tae the knackers Noo spam wi brussels ye'll agree Is nae a Xmas feed Instead o Xmas dumplin We ett mouldy cheese on breid An the gifties that ye gied us… A thong made ooto holly Fake dog poo an a burnt cake Are onythin bit jolly Ye hinna ony mainners Fin yer sittin at the meal Atween fanny farts an riftin Makkin aabody feel unweel Yer dug chased oor cat Tiddles Up the curtains… ‘twisnae funny Ye ett AA the box o chocolates That we bocht tae gie tae Grunny SaeSister, we will wish ye joy On Zoom, at the Queen's speech Cause relatives like ye are better Fin yer ooto reach Oh the Covid: tune O my darling Clementine Oh the Covid, oh the Covid's turned the world upside doon Sanitizin,isolation scunners aabody in toon Phone Deliveroo for sushi, pizza, curries tae the door Then takk aff the wecht wi workoots, sweatin buckets, fit a bore See us sittin oot al fresco makkin on that this is Rome Nae sat oot in Union Street freezin in the Baltic zone Noo in lockdoon, in the gairdens, see us howkin oot the weeds Reinstatin oor lumbago, an arthritis sowin seeds Makk a wreath or takk up knittin play monopoly or snap Weave a jaiket for yer poodle, or try spikkin tae yer cat Cut yer breid intae yer handshape, in the toaster let it dive Fin it pops up fin its feenished it'll gie ye a high five Turn loo roll tae origami, wipe yer bum wi ship or frog It'll pass the time while sittin coontin spiders in the bog Makk a pub crawl o yer hoosie wi a bottle in each room Meet yer friens an yer relations usin Skype or Meet or Zoom Takk a trip tae see the wildlife ye'll find in the Duthie Park Bairns are bizzin roon like midgies, dugs pee on the trees an bark Fit o Santa an his reindeers? They'll be visitin It beats distanced queues at shoppies for that special loon or quine Is yer facemask like a moo bag that a horse hauds on its snoot Dis it fog yer glaisses up till yer as blin as a cheroot? Noo's the time tae learn the bagpipes, buy a blaw up lifesize doll Cause it's plastic it's fantastic winna argue back at all Nae a dentist, nae a dentist, tae fill teeth or fix a croon Since the covid struck we're foonert an oor teeth are turnin broon Raise a cheer tae local heroes in oor Grampian NHS Sae infection micht be lowered an the daith rates they suppress Drouth The Inuits hae wirds fur snaa The Scots, fur bein fu Fur Scots are kent the warld ower Fur drinkin pouerfu brew Smeekit, roarin, pie eyed steamin Steamboats, mingin, stottin Haimmered, bleezin, guttered, pished Blootered. drouthy, plottin Reekit, smeekit, staucherin, goosed Teeterlogic, fleein Trollied plaistered, oot yer tree Minced, bladdered sloshed an reelin The Scottish Cringe Hae he heard o the Scottish Cringe? It's the thing on which gomerils binge They think aathin fooshtie (Scots spikk in Carnoustie) Is orra's nae shavin yer minge Deinties In the Mekong Delta Fowk ett the dyeuk's beaks Crack open their heids An scoop the harns oot like ice cream In Japan, the deintie is fugu A puffer fish wi deadly pysonous toxins In Vietnam its fried birds' heids An steak, cuttit frae puggies In Cambodia the chief takks oot a cobra Still leevin- slits its thrapple Plunks its beatin hairt doon on the plate Midgies Aince in Scotland bedd a giant Unca coorse an crabbit tae Liked tae sook the bluid o ithers A cannibal feared in his day Till a warlock, sly an sleekit Tuik a magic choppin boord Killed the giant, diced him up Tae bitties wi his eildtrich sword Aa the bitties raise thegither Hidna tint their thirst fur bluid Christened midgies, aa the bitties Still sook ithers fur their feed Snibbed She niver left a bawbee on the lowse Herewith a leet o fit my ma snibbed in She'd keys fur aathin, jyler o the hoose: A heeze o bowsters, fite an feather stappit A rowth o sheets an happins, snod an ironed A muckle steel safe, rolls o siller wrappit A press bung fu o fusky, brandy, rum A purse she keepit aywis tichtly zippit Nae photies. She hid brunt them aa tae smush The lave selt aff. Nae room fur sentiment An at the eyn, nae pooches in a shroud A peety: aa her goodies left unspent Sleepin wi a Deid Man Ma faither wis ten oors cauld in his bed Fin ma auldest bairn wis tint I wis ower hashed tae takk tent I wis birlin like a peerie in overdrive Arreengin a doctor, an unnertakker Phonin oor neist o kin, in a stupifeed dwaum An aa the whyle, unkent tae the warld ootbye Ma loon slippit unner the sheets Twalve year auld, his first sair tryst wi daith Youth, warmth, desperation couldnae restairt The worn-oot ingine o an echty year auld hairt They lay alane thegither fur three oors Ane leevin an ane deid Jyned ayont the grave bi luve an bluid Joan Baez Joan Baez kent auld Scottish sangs Her mither taught the wey Her ma wis born in Embro toun Far her gransire preached on high She sang Braes o Balquither The Queen's fower Maries tae And mony's the Childe ballad threiped O blytheness an o wae Her faither he wis Mexican Professor, Quaker man Her faimly traivelled roon the warld Throw mony's the fremmit lan Her mither had the secunt sicht An focht fur global peace An Joan, tae, wis an activist Wi fire in her briest She sang o social justice Sang gospel, folk and rock She starred aside Bob Dylan An performed at Widstock Fowk caad her an Earth Mither An whyles, barfit she sang Her voyce wis liquid hinney Heard in Hanoi an Haiphong She sang in LiveAid concerts Focht the daith penalty Helped refugees in war zones Heidlined at Glastonb'ry Joan Baez kent auld Scottish sangs Her mither taught the wey Her ma wis born in Embro toun Far her gransire preached on high Crossroads Hotel, Queen's View, Cromar Naethin bides foraye, Things cheenge An inn becams a hame, a storage neuk Ta-ta drams an cheerie crack Gaen is the lauchter, couthie clink o glaisses The drinkers are gaen as weel, Some dichtit aff the face o the Yird, bi Daith Drivin by, a jeel rins doon ma back Time, the juggernaut, will add me tae his pack The Cock Puil, Glen Gairn First ye maun tirr yer claes, pit on yer dookers. Midgies heeze aroon. Cannily wyde ben nettles, Stobby thrissles, the antrin thorn busse Hyter barfit ower cobbly stanes Watch oot fur adders, slidderin frae the heather! Here's the wee shelf o rock aside the puil, Heich waa o stane an fern, ahin its back Deep peaty watter, wrunklin roon afore The colour o bronze an amber, hinney broon Lowp in tae jeelin cauld, a stammygaster Catchin yer breath, an ilkie breath a gasper Owersetts intae Doric o Poems Screived bi Artists Nae Wey: Pablo Picasso Ae day I wauken up thinkin, foo I'd like tae be free! I lay doon fin the bees bizz lazy, thinkin, Foo I'd like tae flee like the birdies abune As the sun shone ower me shawin aa it's glammerie, I felt like skreichin, 'O sun, takk me upon yer pathie An lead me awa frae aa thon responsibilities, Foo I'd like tae jist shine abune wioot ony responsibilities! ' The sun shined ower me warm-like an quo ‘Ma wee douceladdie!Life is a journey, nae a success. Risk an responsibility are a pairt o life. Ye canna jink them. Larn an gae back tae feenish yer experience. ' It wis syne that I larnt that life isnae jist tae enjoy, Bit aboot far ye bide an aboot fully livin yer life Sae, follae life, live life tae the full,an enjoy it. Ma Luve His Dwined Awa:bi Pablo Picasso I hae wauked ben starnie-less nichts nae carin fit the warld tuik tent o Amang soughs o wae an scunner, I hae wauked; anely fur ye Ye wir aywis like the caller haar o daybrakk Yet, like the hinney o the bee. I hae skirled oot intae the starnieless an eynless nichts Ochone, Ma dearie! far are ye? I hae wyted fur ye Langed, an langed fur ye. The bens hae crummlit; The wins hae dwined; Ma luve his crined; Yet, I dinna gie up. Ochone, Luve! I am ferfochan, o caain fur ye. Ma feet stoun, shanks hurt an voyce fooners. Yet I dinna gie up; Fitiver may cam, Ma luve fur ye Will bidetrue an siccar. I'll niver gie up.. Thoroughbred: bi Edgar Degas Smaa thunner camin onbell bricht hoofs Strang the dunt o breath. Since sheeny day Unner his groom wi razor straik The jinky shelt has split the dyew Like auncient sun, Orient bred Bluid merks the willin racer Drivin hs speerit tae braw rehearsal Maister o the mongrel born Cweel, secret an seemin slaw He gaes intae the staa far glimmers the grain Keen he stauns, then gambler's hauns Fur the tricky ploys the best place Turn the rinner tae reiver noo Aa trimmlin-bare in his robe o silk Dauncer:bi Edgar Degas Her dauncin dees as aroun a rose busse Or a flute far the san win o Weber is played Her ribboned feet twinin in spirals Her corp booin, a wing-spreid birdie Bit violins… fresh frae bluest o watter Silvana cam, aa flichterin stooshie Blythe leevin, winner lues at play In her een, her breists, her bein reborn Her satin steps shew the patterns Emroiderin pleisur. Ma spendthrift een Follae ferfochan the lowpin quine Bit aa in a glisk, perfection eyns Bi limbs drawn in ower faist in lowpin The lowp o a puddock in a Cytherean puil Autumn Song bi Dante Gabriel Rossetti Dae ye ken, nae at the faa o a leaf Foo the hairt feels a dowie wae Pit on it fur a hap, An foo sleep seems a guidsome thing In Autumn at the faa o the leaf? An foo the faist thrum o the harns Hyters because it's in vain, In Autumn at the faa o the leaf Dae ye nae ken? an foo the chief O joys seems—nae tae thole pain? Dae ye nae ken, nae at the faa o the leaf Foo the sowel feels like a dried shaif Bun up at length fur hairst, An foo daith seems a walcom thing In Autumn at the faa o the leaf? The Cloud Leemitsbi Dante GabrielRossetti The day is derk an the nicht Tae him that wad search their hairt; Nae lips o cloud that'll pairt Nur mornin song in the licht: Anely, glowerin alane, Tae him wud shaddas are shawn, Deep unner deep unkent An heicht abune unkent heicht. Still we spikk as we gae, "Fremmit tae think bi the wey, Fitiver there is tae ken, That we'll ken ae day." The Past is ower an fled; Name'd new, we name it auld; Thereof some tales hae bin telt, Bit nae wird cams frae the deid; Whether at aa they be, Or whether as bond or free, Or whether they too wir as we, Or by fit spell they hae sped. Still we spikk as we gae, "Fremmit tae think bi the wey, Fitever there is tae ken, That shall we ken ae day." Fit o the hairt o hate That dunts in yer breist, o Time? Reid strife frae the farrest prime, A grue o fierce debate; War that brakks her slain, An peace that grinds them as grain, An een fix'd ere in vain On the peetiless een o oor Weird. Still we spikk as we gae, "Fremmit tae think bi the wey, Fitever there is tae ken, That shall we ken ae day." Fit o the hairt o luve That bleeds in yer breist, o Cheil? Yer kisses reived unner the ban O fangs that mock them abune; Yer bells drawn oot intae knells, Yer hope that a braith dispels, Yer wersh forehooied fareweels An their teem echoes? Still we spikk as we gae, "Fremmit tae think bi the wey, Fitever there is tae ken, That shall we ken ae day." The lift leans dumb on the sea, Trauchelt wi aa its wings; An ochone! the sang the sea sings Is derk aybydan. Oor past is clean forgot, Oor present is an is nae, Oor future's a steekit seedplot, An fit atween them are we? We fa spikk as we gae, "Fremmit tae think bi the wey, Fitever there is tae ken, That shall we ken ae day." Deep today: Surrealist poem by Kansuke Yamamoto Deep today Verra feint glaiss An flooers' flichterin Win's diagonal Sweyin tie Haudin it fur a whyle Trachelt pipe's intimmers O sounless dried lauchter Inbye it Het boorich Faas intae Waste backet's intimmers Simple Single-sheeted Unca Pianie Homo Floresiensis Hae ye heard o Homo Floresiensis? Wi a heid that's the size o a lemon A trowie, a Broonie, a fairy? The evidence noo is compellin! Sae fin ye hear stories o kelpies An ferlies that fleg in the nicht Dinna shrug them aa aff wi a snicher Fur thon tales eftir aa micht be richt! Tonk There aince wis a puggie in Tonk Addictit tae scoofin doon plonk While weirin pyjamas He daunced on bananas Syne skytit an fell on his conk The Backet Fairy There is a backet fairy He teems oor bins each wikk Be sure tae pit them oot in time He teems them verra quick Fit dis this fairy luik like? His face is roch an scary His kyte is like a sack o coal His oxters, ripe an hairy He disnae flee aboot wi wings He drives aff in a larry Sae faist, takk oot yer orrals He's aywis in a hurry The Clearances, Deeside The fowk on Upper Deeside they wir driven aff fur deer Lord Grange selt aff Glen Lui, withoot a thocht or tear He ordered tenants be turned oot richt eftir hairst wis by An sae they gaed, lamentin, like reefless herds o kye Glen Eywis aince a bonnie airt, a green an growthy plaid Till, driven aff, tae Canada, ayont the waves some gaed Glen Clunie tint ten faimilies evicted tae rear yowes An thon's the wey they're lanely noo, the purple heather knowes Doon frae the heich glens roon Braemar a piper led the wey A dirge o sorra fur the fowk aneth the dowie sky Frae Tullich, nearhaun Ballater some echteen ferms were cleared Ochone wis iver fact sae sair as this maist cruel weird? On Deskryside jist ower the Don frae Cromar's bonnie braes Twa hunner dwined tae twenty, fowk set aff as castaways Bit oh, the deer, grouse, bawd sheets fur the lairds are sweeter far Than tenantry an lauchter ringin roon the Braes o Mar The Doctor in the Kirk A doctor sittin in the kirk Luiks aa aroon the pews He's seen aa these parishioners Withoot their frocks an trews He's examined the auld dominie Fur bluidy clumps o piles An the typist fur a nesty case O coorse venerealbiles He's seen the genteel Reverend In naethin bit his socks He smirks tae see him staunin Snod an happit in his box He's seen them aa as clearly As their luvers wid hae seen them As Adam luiked on Eve Afore they traivelled ooto Eden Their hingin briests like dumb-bells Their todgers some- like tossils A hale pew oot in front o him Like dessicated fossils The anely ither ane tae see them Lyin in the nude Is the unnertakker, jist afore He rowes them in their shroud The Girselowper A girselowper wi superman pecs Wis hauf blin cause he didna weir specs He lowped aff a rock Fell ten feet on his dock Noo his shanks an his hochs winna flex