Spik Nae Evil (20 Scots Poems)

1. The Puddock The puddock hunkers on his hurdies Sittin on his dowp. Foo dis he traivel through the toun? Lowp! Lowp! Lowp! 2.Pru the Coo Pru the Coo Wi a great muckle moo Said, 'I wish I cud loup Like a kangaroo! ' The magic stars On a wishin tree. Granted her wish richt speedily, An noo she stots Like a trampoline, Pro the Coo Gaun ower the meen. 3.Jumbo The jumbo's snoot's A watterspoot. It is a jungle shouer. He sooks a puddle up wi it Syne sktyes it up an ower His back, his wame, His lugs, his heid, Till he is tickety-boo. And then he sooks a burnie up An coups it doon his mou. 4.Peter Percy Penguin Peter Percy Penguin Plyters roon his pen Stravaigin roon his paiddlin pool Up an doon again. Naethin in his noddle Bit jist ae single wish Green an weet an sealey ¬ Fish! Fish! Fish! 5. Kung-Fu Chukken Dinna think cause I am wee Ye can takk the len o me! Kung-Fu Chukken is ma name Wi a roose as reid's ma caimb I can fecht an skelp an kick Doos an spurgies...rin hame quick! 6.Hoolet Hoolet bides in an auld aik tree Aathin that moves can hoolet see. His een are sherp an his neb can catch Moosies that move in his leafy patch. Rin, rin, moosie, he's comin noo ¬ Can ye hear him cryin Tu-whit-tu-woo? 7.Cupid Wee Jennie Wren luvs wee Cock Robin¬ I saw their names on an auld aik tree. Bit fit she disna ken, is that Wee Cock Robin Has gien his hairt tae Miss Valla Yeitie. He's nae chunce, fur Miss Valle Yeitie Luvs Peesie-wheep ower the lang green lea. Bit, sad tae tell, Peesie-wheep luvs Spurgie, Spurgie luvs a Doo an the Doo luvs me! 8.Crocodile Crocodile, crocodile, Open yer mou. I am a dentist, Yer teeth I maun pu. I ken they are dirlin, I ken they are sair ¬ Nae toffee or chocolate For ye onymair. 9.Hilda the Hippo Hilda the Hippo wis hefty Wi thighs like the legs 0 a brig An the monkeys fell affo their perches Fin Hilda attempted a jig Her six double chins war like jeely Her belly the wecht 0 a train Fin an earthquake dug holes in the jungle Fowk said, 'Hilda's bin dauncin again.' Bit noo, she's enrolled for aerobics, Plays squash an is fit as a flee; She jogs roon the watterhog's mudbath An dis twenty press-ups afore tea. She nivver etts chocs or fish suppers Bit a bittie 0 fruit or lean meat, Fur Hilda the Hippo wad tell ye Watch oot -for ye are fit ye eat! 10. Yasmin theYowe Yasmin the yowe frae Hindustan Can birl a hula-hoop roon a cweet; Can staun on ae leg, furl a plate in her haun¬ Ifye dinna believe me, come an see't! Fa says yowes are as thick as mince? Her IQ is a hunner an ten. Wi a Harvard degree an a PhD In animal husbandry, didn't ye ken? Yasmin the Yowe frae Hindustan Is gey peely-wally. She's weirin awa... We've nae conversation tae gie her a heeze The only wird that she hears is baa. 11.Rhona Rhinoceros Fin Rhona Rhinoceros faas asleep Oh fit dis she dream aboot? She dreams 0 gaun tae a carnival An wallopin doon the chute! She dreams 0 swingin sae heich, sae heich, Her horns can touch the stars, An whyles she dreams, in a rocket ship She turns richt fur Mars! Fin Rhona Rhinoceros faas asleep o far dis she wanner tae? She veesits the muckle elephants That waulk aboot Bombay. And whyles she flees tae the Arctic lans. Far the penguins merch in pairs, An thegither they slide doon braes 0 ice Like bairns doon the bannisters! 12.The Dinosaur A dinosaur! A dinosaur! We nivver saw the like afore! The Beastie makks the bairnies roar Frae Sumburgh tae Singapore! A dinosaur! His muckle moo Has teeth as lang as knives, An fin he roars, the tabby Losses aa its seeven lives! A dinosaur! His ilkie snore Caas continents ajee. An fin he piddles lochs arise As braid's the Irish Sea. A dinosaur! Fit dis he ett? A herd 0 coos fur tea! He sweels it doon wi a lagoon o vats 0 barley bree. A dinosaur! His heid's amang The aeroplanes an stars. His legs are pylons, tail's as lang's A traffic jam 0 cars. A dinosaur's a fearsome breet Fin it lies doon tae claw ¬ Bit fin it daunces, hae a care ¬ Skyscrapers stert tae faa! 13.The Monster's Plea Far div TV monsters ging Fin their programme's endit? Eence I wis a TV star, Ma series wis suspendit. If ye tak me hame wi ye I wad think it braw I wad fleg the bogie-men An burglars• fur yer Ma! 14.Castle Creepie Creep by Castle Creepie Victor Vulture's there. He bides wi thirteen vampires An twa bogIes up a stair. A skeleton's their toast rack Fin they aa sit doon tae dine. Creep by Castle Creepie Fin the meen begins tae shine! Creep by Castle Creepie Victor Vulture keeps a bat Far ye micht hae a goldfish Or a purrin pussycat. He's sherpenin his orra cleuks¬ I winner fa he'll grab? Creep by Castle Creepie Or it micht be you he'll nab! 15.Winnie Widdershins the Witch Winnie Widdershins the witch Is bidin at Bieldside: Dinna look oot for a besom It's a hoover that she'll ride, For Winnie Widdershins the witch Is modern as can be. Nae a cauldron, bit a microwave For makkin spells, ye see. An her list 0 magic potions Isnae keepit in a buik ¬ They're on file in her computer If ye jist ken far tae luik. Winnie Widdershins the witch E-mails her faithfu• cat Tae hurl upon the hoover Like a supersonic bat Doon tae Asda fur her eerins Fin her larder's nearly teem ¬ An fur speecial treats she feeds it Kipper fillets an ice cream. Winnie Widdershins the witch Is only seen at nicht, On the scraun fur mair computer games Sae keep yours oot a sicht! 16. Dentist Open wide! Fit a view! Waur nor lookin doon a bug's H.Q. This set 0 teeth's like extinct volcanoes, Aa the hues 0 a palettefu 0 rainbows, Chocolate, aniseed, peppermint, bananas, Mair dirt here than a mole's pyjamas. Drill oot the cavity. Pulverise the brute. Switch on the stereo. Droon the skirls oot. Hurra fur the ile boom. He needs teeth fa dines. Come in, Sheikh Abdullah. Bring yer concubines. Fin we clean yer canines, we makk sure they shines! Fa'd be a dentist? Waur nor settin mines! 17. Baa Een, twa, three a leerie I spied Bella Peerie Sittin on her bumblebeerie Eatin jeelie babies Stot, stot, stot, stot, Dunt the baa against the waa. Stot, stot, stot, stot. Can ye catch it? Will it faa? Maisie's baa is wee an roon Frae a shoppie in the toon. It is strippit reid an broon See it stottin up an doon. Jamie's baa is big an dubby Fit game's it fur? Fitbaa? Rugby? Dunt it wi yer heid, yer feet, Playin fitba in the street 18.Girny Geordie Buchan Girny Geordie Buchan Fegs! He's aye nae weeL Whyles it's teethache, whyles a hoast Tae keep him aff the skweel. Girny Geordie Buchan, Whyles his belly's sair ¬ Whyles his heid is dirlin Sae he canna caimb his hair. Foo could fowk expeck him Tae wirk, an him nae weel? I think Geordie Buchan Isna sic a feel! I think Geordie Buchan Isna seek ava. I've seen him getting sweeties An comics frae his ma. 'Peer Geordie's ailin, ' She says, bit we aa ken ¬ Geordie Buchan's anely Plunkin skweel again! 19.The Competitor Ma hauns are skyty wi sweat the day I've practised this poem for wikks. Ma hair's bin caimed and ma teeth are clean, Noo I hodge while the wifie spikks. She's sayin she's affa pleased tae see We ken oor Scots sae weel. An Grunny says it's a gey queer warld ¬ She wis skelped fur't at the skweel. There's poems aboot trainies that ging toot-toot An budgies ye keep in a cage. I'm watchin the hauns o the clock gyang roon I'm the next een up on stage. Takk a big deep braith an think fin it's deen o the penny I'm getting frae Da. An oh, gin I wun yon siller dish Oh, wadn't it nae be braw? It's my shot noo...aa the fowk are quate As I cheep oot ma wee story. Even a littlin, aabody kens, Can hae twa meenits 0 glory 20. Snake The snake is ae lang thrapple He slidders on his belly. The anely place I like him Is safe inside the telly.