The Beserker (16 Scots Poems)

1.The Wolf o Badenoch (Alexander Stewart,1st Earl of Buchan 1343-1394) The Wolf o Badenoch had mony lairs Glen Lyon’s Castle Garth, Kingussie’s Ruthven Drumin bi cauld Glenlivet, Lochindorb Names kent an cursed bi aa the Host o Heiven He sired forty bairns bi orra jaads Syne turned his barren, lawful wife aside Thus Moray’s bishop, Alexander Bur For richt an virtue tuik his lady’s side A monk wis sent tae excommunicate The Wolf. At Lochindorb he tracked him doon An for repon the haly cheil wis flang Inno the Castle pit tae sterve an droon The Wolf rade oot tae spulzie Forres toun Pluscarden Abbey brunt: his rooze wis lowsed Tae Elgin he brocht flame an sword an wae The Lantern o the North foraye wis dowsed Men spakk his name in fuspers, crossed thirsels Until the nicht a veesitor in black Cried inbye Ruthven Castle ae dreich gloam An eildritch pyoke o chessmen on his back Aa nicht Auld Clootie wi the coorse Wolf played Aa nicht a deidly storm rang roon the haa Bi mornin ilkie servant chiel lay killt Sterk on the muir ootbye the Castle waa An in the banquet room, the Wolf hissel Lay cauld upon the brod wi glowerin een His sowel in Hell, far aa the Damned maun bide The verra iron nails rived frae his sheen His tomb is at Dunkeld. Step cannie there Nae effigy or slab can bind him in Fariver coorseness wauks in human form The Wolf o Badenoch’s ae step ahin. 2.A Capsule Hotel Gin yer skint an ye bide in Japan Takk a keek at the new hoosin plan For fowk biggt like a sprat Ye can hing up yer hat In a capsule. Watch oot fur yer knees! 3.Horatio Nelson: Tune We’re Bound for the Rio Grand Horatio Nelson wis seasick each day Aywis ailin Horatio Nelson wis seasick each day Bit he’s won him a plinth wi a stan Chorus Sae Huzzah, medics Huzzah Bring yer text buiks For surgery, tropical ailments aboon In the corp o this seafarin man Malaria, typhus, thon tar catched them aa Aywis ailin An a steen frae a sanbag tuik oot his eebaa Bit he’s won him a plinth wi a stan His humerus bane wi a musket wis splayed Aywis ailin His richt airm cam aff wi the surgeon’s blade But he’s won him a plinth wi a stan A Frenchie merksman gaed this Lord a begeck Aywis ailin He bruck his foreheid wi a shot frae the deck Bit it’s won him a plinth wi a staun Sae vauntie o ribbons an medals wis he Aywis ailin He wis killt bi a shot tae his ain Victory Bit its won him a plinth wi a staun 4.Faldie’s Nowt The stots in the byre hae wide set een Wi full lang lashes o purest cream Curly powes an sharny shanks Libbit an polled wi hairy flanks Their story eyns at the Killin Hoose They’ll niver growe auld. They’re fat an crouse They’re kittle an swack thon furreign breed A short roch life, an a lang time deid 5. The Wids o Clune: for the Pitcowdens project, Durris If ye gang by Durris, step in the wids o Clune Larick an aik trees will keep ye snod an dry Dauncin unner Douglas firs, bairnies late or soon Learn tae lue the lanscape on the story wye Mony cam tae visit, by the Curly Brae Will they finn a wallie there, hidden in the girse? Will they finn a Clootie Tree, far leaves and wishes swey? Wheesht! Stand in seelence. Reid squirrels pass! Farrer up the knoweheid, there’s a beerial cairn Steen Circle lies there aneth the winny skies Bairnies frae Pitcowdens dauchle here tae learn The tree names, the flooer names, the wud birds’ cries 6.The Tribbled Toun After the painting The Troubled City by Ken Currie, Scottish National Gallery Berlin at the wersh eyn o its glory days Frae the Brandenburg Yett tae the Reichstag Rowed in a lowe. Corp-like shaddas, hooded, fearie, masked Burnin files an papers Ghaistly, gurly, the ruins far Loons war hingit on lamp posts. Bairns, thrapplit like chuckens Fa wadna fecht An syne, the rummle o Soviet tanks, The skirlin o sodjers, roch an murdrous Shots brakkin windaes, shells explodin in backies An ongaun orgy wi weemen skreichin for help, Rifle butts duntin doon doors Killin, nae prisoners taen on either side. The daith o a war that didna dee wi a sigh. 7. The Chiel fa Tamed the Craa: William Glennie Tune: Drumdelgie In the year o 1941, near hauf wye throwe the war In Meldrum toun a chiel wis born fas skills wad takk him far A clivvir loon he left gthe skweel, his learnin scarce begun Tae takk a fee at Hillocks wi a fermer an his son He fed upon the knotty brose weel steered in his brose cup An wirkit Meg the muckle shire bi cryin Whoa an Hup An aince his time o caain neeps an fermin darg wis dane Aff tae John Lewis shipyaird as apprentice he wis taen The engineerin trade he learned, syne aff he set again Tae jyne the trawlin industry in charge o ither men At 23 the youngest engineer in his hale squad He vrocht wi Walker’s Steam Trawl Fish, fa scoored the sea for cod Fan ithers tint their jobs in thon unchancy post war years He raise tae Superintendent ower his brither engineers The fleet that he tuik tent o wis the brawest on the sea Wi mony’s the bonnie fishin boat weel-kent in history Bit fortunes cheenge, some boaties gaed tae catch the fish nae mair Hall Russell’s quickly snapped him up an he got settled there Tae Norway an the west coast ports he traivelled in his trade Tae fit a sonar fish finder, an gie research an aid At thirty wi Shore Porters his job wis fairly set A pairtner in the business, near as heich as he cud get Bit ither irons in the fire o life he plunkit doon A leader in the Salmon Nettin Station near the toun Noo had he bin a lesser man, his cloot wad be wrung oot Bit Glennie biggt a hoose in Dyce the best for miles aboot An urban castle wi sic ferlies ower gran tae list Shipped in frae aa the airts like ony magpie’s treisur kist He merches up at Lonach wi a pike an plaid sae braw He fand the time tae wed an raise a family an aa As provost o the Trades he wore their gowden chyne sae braa Bit fowk in Dyce aa ken him as the chiel fa tamed the craa! Gin ye ging up tae Aiberdeen in sunsheen or in sna Ye’ll mebbe see him gaun aboot. Ye winna see the craa It perched upon his shoulder an atap his car did race Bit noo it’s deid, its ghaistie haunts the gairdens o the place. 8.Beau Brummell Beau Brummell, a Regency buck Wis niver doon-wechtit wi luck Quo he ‘Fa’s yer fat frien? ’ An twis clear he did mean The Prince, wi the girth o a truck Beau Brummell tuik five oors tae dress (As a dandy, he aimed tae impress) Bit he gambled his wealth An he ruined his health An thon’s aa he did, mair or less. 9. Rasputin Fowk hated the gyte monk Rasputin They decidit they maun pit the buit in They pyson’t, syne shot him. Fit finally got him Wis the river they droont the puir breet in 10. John Cage John Cage, John Cage, queerest ferlies heard on stage Clunks an clicks an hoasts an splooters Pianies playin tooter-ooters Plunks andreeps…an unca soun Dingin music’s norms aa doon 11.Dr Livingstone’s Unscreived Letter Conseeder yer bairns, left faitherless Bi absence an yer driven wint tae explore Conseeder Mrs Livingstone gettin blootered Straas on her camel’s back as big’s a ruck Lion-mauled, connached bi cholera, Etten up bi ulcers, dysentery, malaria, Wis it wirth it, Yer bluid birsslin wi fever Yer mowser bleached bi heat Yer wyme rummlin wi hunger Yer seed in anither continent The lift abune ye plottin Deein alane, wis it wirth it? Poles apairt, frae Blantyre tae Zambesi, Tae re-chirsten a native linn, Victoria Though The Rikk that Thunners Seems a fitter name Chief Chitabo’s tribe howked oot yer crined, stoot, hairt Claimin it beat fur Africa alane Beeriet it unner the Mvulu tree in the clachan Chuma an Sumi cairriet yer corp thegither A thoosan miles tae the coast, tae ship back hame Tae a cauld Abbey, beeriet wi cauld honours Addressed tae survivin kin, The letter ye niver screived: Forgie me fur leavin. Some things Takk heicher preference tae family 12. Michael Jackson’s Pet-Rap Fin Michael Jackson deed, man, he left a zoo Fu o pets needin feedin makkin piles o poo His first pet Ben, wis a muckle hairy rat Far ye micht hae a hamster or a wee fat cat He had tigers, he had puggies, he had zebras, he had snakes Alligators that cud gie a body ghaistie shakes He had elephants, giraffes, he had wud alpacas Bubbles the puggie fa could waggle his maracas His parrots skreich tae cactii in Arizona His snakes hae fand a hideyhole in Oklahoma Madonna, Jackson’s python, is a tourist draa The tigers hae a compound oot in Shambala A pet isnae fur Xmas, fur a day an a denner Tho it costs a thoosan dollars or a British tenner Fin ye dee, ye canna takk alang yer cats an dugs Sae makk sure they’re luikit eftir fin ye pop yer clogs! 13.Empedocles Empedocles in antiquity Tuik tae thinkin a God he micht be Tae pruv Divine Natur, intae Etna’s crater He lowped. Noo he’s jist lava bree. 14. Mr Jackdaa Mr Jackdaa on the lum Dichts his neb an plunks his bum Chyak! He cries, syne cracks a snail Open. Etts the cratur hale Mrs Jackdaa thinks he’s braa Gies him tasty bits tae chaa Roadkill for the heid o hoose Barley..Wyver…baby moose He’s her beau on twiggy legs Bides tae help her raise the eggs They are leal, the male jackdaas Peety humans waurna craas! 15.In Camperdoon Zoo At Camperdoon Zoo, you micht nae see a gnu Bit there’s wolves disembowellin their tea Nae bears in the pen (Mebbe deid in the den?) An a cuddie releasin a pee The otter the day’s on a wee holiday The lemurs are lazily lollin The fite snawy hoolet is dowie an wae An its keech... weel thon’s simply appallin The marmoset’s checkin fur flechs in its chum The rhea is luikin upset The lynx is a minx gettin up tae high jinks The porcupine’s naebody’s pet Torties are warsslin like battlefield tanks There’s wallabies duntin a greetin There’s a fruit bat or three. A wud cat lookin twee Bit a jumbo of tin! ! ! Thon’s plain cheatin! 16.The Pirate The pirate cam wi a terrible roar Wi a sword an a cutlass tae oor front door He’d a reid scarf wippit aroon his neck An a bobbin parrot that gaed peck peck ‘Cam in, ’ quo Mum, ’ takk a brakk frae the sea Cause even a pirate needs his tea.’