The Lan O Tea & Tigers (17 Scots Poems)

1.Throw the Purdah o Calvin an Holyrood Cardamom, popadom, jungle an vines Henna an hinney an swack dauncin quines Rubies an meensteens an aquamarine Fite merble palaces fit fur a queen Suttee an thuggee, stervation, disease Beggars that crawl ben the dubs on their knees Dysentery, cholera, these ye can fin Wi malaria, doon far the broon waiters rin Turmeric, ginger, biryani an wheat Poppy seed, aniseed, drummer's belled feet Cinnamon, tamarind, jasmine an jute Mustard an nutmeg: the snake chermer's flute Shanty toon skeletons sleep bi the road The monsoon fur sheets. Wint's a licht-cairriet load Hunger an skaith in a cripple's teem bowl A rickle o beens, aa the cage fur his sowl. Silverweer, sandalwid, rosewid an spice Basil an fennel, crushed mango on ice Canewirk an leatherwirk, silks in fine haas Jewellery an perfumes in open-air staas Bollywood adverts hing braw ower the streets Ower reefs o torn plastic that's hame fur sterved geets India, India, aulder than time Far the lotus growes pure fae its birthbed o slime A tiger wi teeth, baith a purr an a roar, Yer a lowe in the bluid that the mind canna smore. 2.At Gandhi's Shrine, Raj Ghat Efter the thrang derk alleys The stooshie o the bazaars The thunnerin larries The goat that stauns an bleats Efter the buying an bribin The priggin, swickin venders The stoor an the bumbazement 0 rickshaws' dirdin seats Efter the bamboo scaffoldin The saris cairtin cement The cricket, the polo, The staas of baccy an treats Efter the wechty bullocks The cobras wyvin an dauncin The glaur o the gutters The fowk fa sleep on the streets Here is Delhi's oasis. Here, far the shade is sweet The verra girse cries 'Gandhi' The chief fa cowpit an Empire Walkin in wyes o peace on twa bare feet. 3.At Lord Siva's Jungle Shrine: Bharaptur Bird Sanctuary Here, far the jungle smores the sun Here, at Lord Siva's temple door The dance o destruction's daithless beat Throbs in the air, ahin, afore Auncient deities lichtly sleep The cobra kills an the cobra saves Yestreen's leaves fae the jungle's eaves Shakk their fetters an jink their graves Here, in the raxxin tangle-tree The heron, the lang-legged crane, the stork They nest in equanimity Provin that tolerant wyes can wirk 4.Monsoon Fae Bombay tae Rangoon, fowk will say the Monsoon Is a blessin that's mixed fur the peasant Fur fin there's a drought, there's nae doot he's pit oot An the hardship is unca unpleisant Bit fin ye hae flown fae a cauld Scottish zone Tae traivel an savour the East To be drooked in the rain, like rat doon a drain Is a dreidfu event, at the least. Oh oor Aberdeen weet, may be dreich, bit its fleet An it's shortsome, tho dowie an gray But in Delhi the rain cams again an again An can bide fur a month and a day! 5.The Watterbuffalo Ye'd makk a bonnie hat rack, bit yer kyte it maun be leid, Gin I drank yer puil in Delhi, I'd be merked as maggot-feed Bit there ye staun, in ecstacy wi watter roon yer rear Like an alcoholic in a tub o beer, beer, beer. Tell me Watterbuffalo foo is yer milk sae sweet Fin ye glugger doon sic clorty dubs an girse is aa ye eat? 6.The Lan o Tea an Tigers The lan o tea an tigers hauds oriental views Far richt o wye tae traffic is gien ower tae coos The sanbags at the airport hid armed guards, I ken Bit karma's wheel birls better, fin helped bi cannie men. There's nae a pick that's British. They serve ye wi a grin! Oh gowd an scarlet saris fae shantytoons o tin Like dragonflees that flichter, up fae a rikkin lan, Far gangrels prig an barter, fit is't that keeps ye gaun? Ye, wi yer thin-shanked bairnies, fas beens powk throw their skin I'm chappin at yer culture. Please, cud ye lat me in? I'd like tae pye a veesit..tae unnerstan, ye see Foo baith at the same table, sit grace an poverty. 7.Burmese Coo There is a small Burmese community living in the jungle around the Pa-la-u waterfall. The waterall is part of the La-u forest in Kang-Kra-Chan national park's compound. It covers 43,700 hectares Tinkle tinkle Burmese coo, aa ye dae is ett an moo Lugs as lang as cricket bats skelpin swarms o fit d'ye cats. In a bield amang bamboo, swytin like a roastin soo I spy Buddhist monks nip by, on their scooters, trig an spry Muckle leaves waucht ben the breeze. Michty me! They're butterflees! 8.A News wi a Parten Foo mony birsslin British dowps, wee parten, on yer Cha-am beach Hae birled like satay sticks o meat birssled tae reid fae fite an peach? Tell me, ma armour-platit frien fit think ye o these fremmit fowk? Rolex, Gucci, Chanel they buy... Aa fake.. bit names impress a gowk. The warld's ill-pairtit. Nicht an day pyed guairds wi guns stappt in their belt Maun stalk the waukwyes, jist fur fear the fowk fa vend takk back fit's selt 9.Yalla Dug Yalta dug aneth the staas foo d'ye aywis scrat yer baas Like a waukin plague o scabies? Yalla dug, dae ye hae rabies? In a butcher's, on a hook, yer ma is hingin. Takk a luik! 10.Kam-Lai Kam-Lai is a 65 year old elephant at Wat Neranchararam, Cha-am Kam-lai can niver smile because her moo's set up an doon Wi yon lang trunk atween her een she canna even froon As sae ye niver really ken exactly fit she thinks Bin fin ye feed her sugarcane she shuts her een an blinks. This MICHT mean 'Foo idyllic' or `Nae sugar-cane fur tea! ' Or, 'The breeks yon wummin's weirin wad bring tears tae a gless ee.' Gin ye'd like a game o bools wi yon fine set ahin her feet. I widna. They're fit elephants drap efter they've hid meat. 11.An Elephant's Moo Fae auld Siam across tae China, an elephant's moo's like a vagina Stap in a tongue an ye hae got a meal machine that chaas the lot Bananas, chocolate, in it goeses. Niver a thocht o brucellosis! I'm feart I catch e-coli bugs. The elephant lauchs an skelps its lugs Is salmonella in thon breid? The elephant lauchs an shakks its heid An wolfs doon 23 bananas afore I'm intae ma pyjamas She maun hae reinforced intimmers, fur this hett sun turns as tae cinners Sae, fin a hunner years she's seen, will telegram cam fae her Queen? Tae Ganesh I gie thanks. Thon God His elephants keeps hale an snod Fur skitterin elephants wid blad The Thailan towrist trade fur guid. 12.The River Kwai For the men of the Second Battalion the Gordon Highlander Regiment, buried in the POW cemetary at Kanchanaburi Kanchanaburi's green an quate. The sun, sae hett it stouns In birsslin drouth, in frozen youth, the deid men makk nae souns A poppy here, a garlan there, rich scents each grave festoons Peace ower the grun..bit dearly won bi the Daith Railway loons. Far fae the teuchit's dweeble wheep's the skreichin o baboons An here the Thai, alang the Kwai tend weel the Gordon loons. They didna dee far bullets flee. Their war brocht ither wouns Far dysentry kept company wi rain as big's dubloons Aside the Kwai the smilin Thai in bricht sarongs an gouns Sell mango slice an tea wi ice, wi orchids at their crouns. Thailan's the larder o the East. It wyles awa the pouns There wis nae beer nor buffet here, fin coorseness kent nae bouns An fin the jungle lowsed its rage, the peetiless monsoons Cholera, typhoid thinned the ranks ben bitter nichts an noons A different fecht, a different airt, fae Waterloo's dragoons Maleria gied the Deid Thraa tae the Daith Railway loons. The war's lang gaen. They bide alane. Nae wives aside them lie. Bricht butterflees abeen them heeze, aa sufferin ower an by. Culloden, Flodden, Bannockburn.. grim pipers play the tunes The leaders o a nation screive tae mobilise platoons Is liberty as gweed a cause tae dee fur as the lave? Nane kens, dry banes haud nae discourse that full a sodjer's grave. Kanchanaburi's green an quate. Noo, fyew are left tae greet, Far thistles fell...Bit merk them weel.. The wins o peace are sweet 13.Taxi Driver's Buddha Taxi driver's Buddha, fit div ye see? Are yer een on traffic or some transcendental lea? Buddha on the dashboord, fin yer maister drives Are ye watchin ower him ensurin that he thrives? Fare-pyin punters dinna sit sae snod as ye Taxi-driver' s Buddha yer a top-speed rareity! 14.Puil in a Hotel Complex The palm weirs streetch merks roon its belly Leaves, hett an droothy ettle tae reach the puil Tae lick it up like forkit lizards' tongues. The watter sweels aroon like crème de menthe. Last nicht a taed cam here, creashie's a Wall street banker While the palms swyed in the breeze Lord! Foo he likit tae craik. Fu o hissel. He fartit twice Like a German in Speedo trunks Nae speedin, twa towels doon. 15.Flute Seller He pykes his barfit wye alang the stran Cannily steppin abeen The anchor towes o boaties, The smachrie o coral an shells. Deid puffer fish sweels in wi the tide Bumbazed tae hae puffed its hinmaist puff A playthin o the sea coost ooto this melee 0 froth an sweeshlin bree. Aneth the cweel bit shade o his coolie hat The broon flute seller fussles. His shanks are shilpit His breeks are torn an green His semmit fu o holes Flaps fae the lean Coat-hinger o his frame. He smiles wi twa mauve lips Like coconut flesh, his teeth Sae fite they daizzle ye This Thai pied piper blaws Ben bamboo tubes. Thon hollow reeds Echo the lanely lappin o the sea Bead sellers jostle ye Silk venders hassle ye Horse hawkers dog yer steps The flute seller cocks his heid sidiewyse His reedy notes waucht fae his bamboo pipe The music furls like rikk alang the stran His easy-osy joy in his wee tunes His melodic wares Eneuch tae wyle the siller fae yer pooch. 16.The Lion and the Eagle Sung to the tune Sleepytoon Written and performed during 'Scotland at the Smithsonian' (2003) The Lion Rampant is the symbol of Scots smeddum. The Eagle is the symbol of American power. Aa nicht forked lichtenin rent the sky, it sent a thunnerclap doonby Noo Thor's weet dish-cloot's nearly dry in Washington in the morning Aff plastic ponchos raindraps dreep, throw weety girse the broon dubs seep Yet the Metro's stappit an the mobiles bleep in Washington in the morning. Rikk rises up fae a cowboy's grill. Towrists trek tae the Capitol A bird pykes mealies wi its bill in Washington in the morning Schule pairties steer an mozzies heeze. Flags waucht on flagpoles in the breeze Stane eagles glower atween the trees in Washington in the morning The Lion rampant's cleuks are strang, wi the Eagle's fowk the wauks are thrang See the Eagle's pouer, hear the Lion's sang in Washington in the mornin 17.Hornygollach His heid's crooned bi a twig. He slalems doon a leaf like ony Olympic skiier, Syne tightrope wauks a trailin jungle creeper. Anely a grenade could bomb him oot Could heelstergowdie him. Explorin his crackly kingdom His shanks cut throwe the air like a tailor's shears, Like a Roman Catholic bishop dispensin crosses. His gollach- intimmers snod in his sheeny shell, He sweys like a hammock, Launches aff like rain sikkin a puddle. It makks me wabbit watchin His ceaseless rinnin. His richts takk precedence ower mine, Here, I'm the tourist, he's the acceptit local. Syne, he takks flicht! His wings whirr like a copter. This gars me grue, The sicht o sic an ugsome ferly fleein! His hame's this Asian steamie. Unreason's cleuks claa cauldly at ma wyme. Fit gin this horny gollach choose tae veesit me? Explore ma frailties wi his fyaachie taes I ken that I wad kill him gin I cwid.