The Mink (Bairn Rhymes) (33 Scots Poems)

1. The Doric Alphabet A is fur aipple that faas fae a tree B is fur buttery, wi twa wings tae flee C is fur coatie ye weir fin it’s cauld D is fur Deirdre, a wee clootie dall E is fur Elly, the egg o a dyeuk F is fur forkietail hid in a neuk G is fur goosers, they’re wersh in the moo H is fur hoolet fa cries wit-too-woo I’s fur Iona, an isle oot at sea J’s fur a Jenny-wren, jinkie’s can be K is fur Kenneth McAlpine, a king L’s fur a lass wi a bricht gowden ring M is fur midden the flees heeze abeen N’s fur an erne’s nest...leave it aleen O is fur orangies, squeeze them fur juice P’s fur the pammerin o mice in the hoose Q is fur queuin..it niver seems quick T is fur tattie soup, sappy an thick U’s an umbrelly ye need in the weet V’s fur the violet sae bonnie an sweet W’s fur the win that can boo the hare bell X is fur xylophone, gie it a knell Y’s fur the yalla breem up on the brae Z’s fur the zoo far the parakeets play! 2. The Violent Poem I’m a violent poem. I lue thrissles I dinna like violets nor daffs I like stoosies, stramashes an fechtin An batterin wee haddies fur laughs I’m a violent poem. I like fechtin An scrattin an gougin oot een I’ve an ASBO fur bullyin sonnets An blooterin odes wi a steen The haikus aa rin fin they see me I’m tattooed frae ma dowp trae ma broo Ma lugs are baith stap-fu o piercins I’ve got ten pynty teeth in ma moo I dinna spikk saftly nor fusper I flech an I gob an I roar I’m thinkin o cheengin ma address Wid ye bide, if I kick doon yer door? 3. Jinty the Traivellin Man I’m Jinty the traivellin man I bide in a transit van I’ll redd up yer gutter An save ye the scutter I’m Jinty the traivellin man I’m Jinty the traivellin man Ma kettle’s an auld tin can Yer gairden I’ll tar Or I’ll service yer car I’m Jinty the traivellin man I’m Jinty the traivellin man Ma pairtner is Mary Anne Jist haud oot yer haun An yer fortune she’ll scan I’m Jinty the traivellin man 4. The Rugby Player Connor Wabster’s favourite game Is rowin in the dubs Heid doon in a rugby scrum Wi pechs an dunts, an rugs His mither disnae cam tae watch She thinks that rugby’s roch Her Connor turns the bath watter As broon’s a cattle troch ‘Connor... hame tae tea! ’ she skirled ‘Yer lugs are affa big! ’ Bit fin she lookit closer Twisnae Connor bit a pig! 5. Sawney Bean There wis a Scottish cannibal His name wis Sawney Bean He didna dine aff smokies Or troots frae Pittenweem He didna ett fajitas Or feast on curries hett He hunted passin towrists He catched them in his net He roasted the Americans Stir-fried the Japanee He pickled fowk frae Ullapool He biled fowk frae Dundee An some he tinned for eftirs Or crisped them, fine an flat Fur tasty snacks ower winter Nae winner he wis fat! 6. The Vulcan Pupil I’m a Vulcan pupil Ma faither’s Mr. Spock An if I canna space wauk He says he’ll skelp ma dock I’m a Vulcan pupil Wi twa green pynty lugs Ma tribe are aa descendit frae A pair o Vulcan bugs I’m a Vulcan pupil Ma neb is bogie-free Cause I breath frae ma bum cheeks I’m different, ye see. 7. Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty gaed tae the toon Tae buy a pair o knickers The anely thing that fittit him wis A line o sparkly stickers 8. The Plastic Surgeon I sook bits oot, I stap bits in Makk thin fowk fat, Makk fat fowk thin An fur a fee I cheenge yer smile Wi gnashers fite tae gie ye style I rug te wrnkles aff yer broo I plump yer lips sae that yer moo Looks like a troot or mummy’s mask I’m skeely at thon beauty task An flush the leftowers doon the drain Bit beauty’s wirth a bittie pain 9. On the Plane The plane connection’s rinnin late The trolley dolly’s oot on strike Volcanic ash flees by like rikk It’s faister gaun tae Spain bi bike We’ve sat strapped in fur fifteen oors Nae sweeties, juice, nae toys for play Next year, please ma, can we bide hame An holiday in Montrose Bay? 10. Jessie the Jumbo I’m Jessie the Jumbo, I’m up fur a dare I’m fond o balloonin hyne up in the air I sky dive, I snorkel, I skateboord each day I scuba dive, paraglide iver sae gay I’m nae easy fleggit. I luv fin the win Gaes wheech ben ma lugs fin I gyang fur a spin 11. Stuntman Rick the Ratten Stuntman Rick’s a ratten He lowps frae bleezin cars He gets shot doon bi gangsters He blaas up bombs in wars He’s nae like ither rattens As orra as can be He weirs ticht Gucci troosers An spikks on the TV 12. Heids or Tails Malcolm the secunt wis murderet at Glamis Duncan wis killt bi Macbeth Alexander the third hytered aff o a cliff Leprosy brocht Bruce’s daith At Perth James the first he wis murderet His son met a rale bluidy fate A cannon explodit aside him An turned him tae maggoties maet James the third, he wis woundit in battle An socht oot the help o a priest Fa wisna a fan...wi a dirk in his haun He steekit it richt in his breast! James the fourth led his army at Flodden He wis mincemeat e’er battle wis deen Queen Mary o Scots wis beheidit Fa’d staun in a sovereign’s sheen? 13. Assembly I’m sittin at Assembly The fleer is hard an cauld I’ve sat fur 40 meenits An I’m anely 5 years auld A wasp’s crawled up ma troosers I wint tae skirl an rin The teacher’s glowerin at me I’ve tae haud the skirl in The heidie’s giein prizes We aa sit up tae see Ben Duthie’s got a medal I’m burstin fur a pee! ! ! We’re staunin fur the singin We’ve sang...we’re shufflin oot It’s brakk time. Far’s ma playpiece? Nae anither daud o fruit! 14. Big Bad Wolves Big Bad Wolves are makkin a comeback Ilkie pack has a government warnin Has yer tortie or cattie gaen missin? Big Bad Wolves can be sleekit an charmin They’ll chap at yer door an they’ll tell ye They’re the gas board tae check oot the scheme Bit ithers will sneak roon yer backie An rin aff wi yer new trampoline! 15. The Coorse Crocodile Crocodile, crocodile, foo dae ye smile? I hinna seen granny nor ma fur a while I hope ye’ve a dose o the skitters an bile Fur ettin ma family, coorse crocodile! 16. The Wannerin Win Far are gaun tae, wannerin win? The far side o Cathay Roon far the pirates eesed tae sail For the pearls o Botany Bay Fit are the souns that fill fill yer lug? The plink o a raindrap’s faa The crack o a monsoon thunnerstorm The sough fin I drive the snaa Fit sichts dae ye see, upon yer wye As ye traivel lan an tide? Oh that I had braid wings like yours Tae reenge the warld wide! 17. The Peinter I’m the fairy that peints the flooer beds Reid, yalla, siller, gowd I peint the leaves in autumn Fin the birk trees showdy-powd Bit the rain dreeped in ma peintbox Ma colours ran again Their grey an broon an purple Noo I’ll hae tae peint the glen! 18. Tweedledum & Tweedledee Tweedledum an Tweedledee Took the train doon tae Dundee Jist tae ett the famous pies Drooned in gravy an French fries Bit the pies war aa selt oot Aa they got wis pickelt troot It lowped aff the plate an ran Back tae jyne the fishy clan! 19.Twinkle Twinkle Twinkle twinkle jeely car Bides inside ma sweetie jar First I’ll ett the driver’s seat Wheels an bumper...fit a treat! Noo ma teeth hae holes tae bore I dinna think I’ll ett the door 19. Incy Wincy Wyver Incy Wincy Wyver Climmed up the bathroom plug Doon cam a dreep An it landit on her lug Alang cam a cloot, Shook her oot the windae pane An Incy Wincy Spider’s In the wheelie bin again! 20.Maths Fee fi fo fum Fa can help me dae this sum? 20 wasps an twenty flees Bizz aroon a heron’s knees Fa can coont the total oot Fin they’re heezin roon aboot? 21.Snap, Crackle, Pop Snap Crackle an Pop, we’re three hoolets We’ll nae ett a paddock or moose Rice Crispies or Cornflakes oor supper... Wi a nebfu o fine orange juice. Syne we sit on oor branch in the meenlicht An we sing karaoke till dawn Snap Crack an Pop, we’re three hoolets We’re vegan, an fond o a sang 22.Flittin We’re flittin the morn an I’m scunnert I ken the new hoose’ll be queer I winna ken nane o the neebors An aathin will be in a steer I’ve spukken aboot it tae Teddy An he thinks the same thing as me If it’s fooshty, we winna be bidin Bit da an ma’ll hae tae leave, tee! 23.Ten Green Puddocks Ten green puddocks, lowpin ben the waa x3 An if ae green puddock, Should play at heid the baa Aa the ither green paddocks Will heid the baa an aa 24.The Mole: traditional I’m a mole, fol-de-roll I’m a mole an I bide doon in ma hole Wi ma little furry coat Roon ma heid, ma bum, ma throat I am ower deep doon tae show it in ma hole. 25.The Tattiebogle A craas amang the tatties I’ll wag ma airms aboot Makk on that I’m a monster An flegg the nesty brute A moose bides in ma pooches He rins aroon ma sark I like tae him near me Especially in the dark! 26.Balloon Wheech...I’m lowse. I’m up in the air Heicher an heicher an heicher I flee Ower the wids, the kirk an the toon Naebody, naebody’s gaun tae catch me! 27.Hetty Hampster Hetty Hampster staps her mou Her chooks are like twa melons An fin her feedin dish is full She disna need twa tellins. She rins aboot her wheel at nicht Wi supersonic speed A wee bionic hamster Fuelled bi watter, nuts an seed 28. Lingle Lingle Lingle lingle lang tang Oor cat’s deid He skytit aff the garage An he laundit on his heid We arenae gaun tae beery him We’re cheerin up his wives They ken oor cat’ll live again Cause cats hae seven lives! 29.Wee Jakey Jinky Wee Jakey Jinky rins roon the toon Deliverin the papers, he’s an affa busy loon He’s chappin at the front yett An on the windae pane Here’s yer bairnies’ comics Takk them in afore the rain! 30. Tae Embro Tae Embro, tae Embro at Festival Time There’s ice cream an pokey hats...staun in the line! There’s dauncers an puppeteers, mummers sae rare There’s buskers an drummers in the open air Tae Embro tae Embro tae climm Arthur’s seat For Arthur’s awa..takk the wecht aff yer feet An play hide an seek, or a wee game o bools Or veesit the castle an see Scotlan’s jewels! 31. The Mink I’m a mink, I’m a mink An I hate a sink Soapie Watter gars me cowk I’ve a plook on ma snoot An ma lugs grow fruit An I pick ma taes an howk I’m a bogie machine An I’ve nae bin clean Since I wis anely three I fairly hum like a fooshty plumb I’m as ripe as midden bree I’m a mink, I’m a mink An I makk a stink That could clear a beach or twa Bit ma best frien Dean Is a mink frae Gretna Green As he thinks I’m jist braa 32.The Rescue Brigade Aloysius, Archie an Pudsey Sooty an Winnie the Poo Are huntin the neuks an the crannies O toy box an garage an zoo For aa o the run-awa teddies That’s lost, or forgot, or alane They find them new ainers an hoosies Sae aabodies’ happy again! 33. Cluckingham Palace There is a Saxon steeple It isna fu o fowk Its fu o hens an roosters Fa cluck an flap an howk They snap up aa their seedies Fur they lay the Royal eggs The dyeukies are fair jealous... Their hames are in the seggs