They'Ll None Of 'Em Be Missed

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list - I've got a little list Of social offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed - who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs - All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs - All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat - All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like THAT - And all third persons who on spoiling TETE-E-TETES insist - They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano organist - I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed - they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try"; And that FIN-DE-SIECLE anomaly, the scorching motorist - I don't think he'd be missed - I'm SURE he'd not be missed! And that NISI PRIUS nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist - I've got HIM on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life - They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind, Such as - What-d'ye-call-him - Thing'em-Bob, and likewise - Never- mind, And 'St - 'st - 'st - and What's-his-name, and also - You-know-who- (The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to YOU!) But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!