Dear Dad

Dear Dad Listen, after you left us I had this little game I used to play To stay sane: I pretended You hadn't really left at all It was easy since I didn't see you leaving I was just trying to honor your wishes- Remember that day: it was your birthday Back in the hospital, and they'd given you Two pints of blood, and you came back Back into yourself again; Recognized us, and later that day I was standing there holding your hand You seemed to recollect then what was happening to you And you jerked your hand away almost violently Almost as if you knew that you would die soon And you wanted me to go away and not witness it; You were always so thoughtful and caring of me But that wasn't when it happened- And that time in the nursing home I spoon fed you some taco casserole I knew you didn't want it; But I was doing it for the others So they wouldn't realize anything different was going on Forgive me Dad- it was dumb And that time slow, large tears ran down Mother's face; I was happy you couldn't see them And when your roommate died right there In the other bed beside yours, without warning- I even held his hand at the end; I knew it must be an omen Because driving down there that day, I'd felt as if I were entering a war zone And when your catheter bag began filling up with blood After they'd moved you back from the hospital the last time I knew it wouldn't be long- Anyway, what I would do is I would imagine you sitting there alive In your chair Doing normal things you always did Watching television, looking at the endless junk mail- See the thing is, I can still do it some days Like today: it feels like You're still here with me With your humor, your irony Your benevolent old-man goodness That never wanted to hurt any other living creature- You know sometimes I even go back again To the last places we were together In the flesh- the nursing home, Where everyone thought you had died- And I refused to look at your body Because I knew it couldn't be true, No matter how peaceful they said it looked And the hospital corridor, in the downtown hospital That one room felt like a hidden sanctuary At the dropping off edge of the world- Only once did another living person enter in there While I sat there waiting beside you; just you and me I felt safe in there as if I realized, we still had some time left I think that's when the plan began to form: It all felt so unreal then, you know It felt like time was arcing in a big space, But going around you and me- And then there was that other room, Where one day the doctors came To tell us there was really no hope But I wouldn't let them crowd around your bed Talking that way: it was disrespectful They didn't know you like I knew you: That you could never really disappear- Remember that time the nursing home Called the emergency number You were trying to leave your body again Nobody could find the DNR order So they had come to torture you some more I felt so ashamed, as if I had failed you personally I went into your bathroom and hid in there, beet red Curiously ashamed; I remembered how much It bothered you when I cried, as a child It felt just like that, except I wasn't even crying then, Dad-? I've begun to need the illusion I never wanted to know a world Without you in it; I just wanted to be sure I had your blessing first And that you really are up there Watching over me now- Just a little sign, is what I need Like that time I opened up Your little box of joke cards Clearing stuff out, after you'd left us; The ones you had me write out in long hand For your radio show And the one I happened to pull out Was in your handwriting, It was the one where you reminded yourself To say that you loved me At the end of every show you did on the air See, it's just that easy: Another sign like that one That's all I need and then I'll be fine Thanks then, and all the best to you, Dad I'll just be down here waiting, Just let me hear you say it one more time: Just say that you love me again